


Lift Me from the Ground

by emr_0725



Category: To All the Boys I've Loved Before (Movies), To All the Boys I've Loved Before Series - Jenny Han
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, F/M, Fluff and Smut, Future Fic, POV Peter Kavinsky, Pining, Romance, Sexual Tension, covinsky - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-03
Updated: 2020-09-14
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:21:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 20,988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26270302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emr_0725/pseuds/emr_0725
Summary: And there it is… The whoosh of nostalgia that travels through his body and makes him feel like a teenager again.  That pining adolescent that stole looks at her in shared classes and wondered what she was thinking about when she was daydreaming is back.___________________Peter runs into Lara Jean unexpectedly at a wedding.
Relationships: Peter Kavinsky & Lara Jean Song-Covey
Comments: 49
Kudos: 223





	1. Talk to me I love that sound

**Talk to me I love that sound**

Peter’s phone is buzzing, and he is rushing to find his tie and get out the door. He’s regretting the drinks after the rehearsal dinner. The Uber is already waiting for him outside. He finally finds his tie and runs out the door and hops into the car. He breathes a sigh of relief and finally gets a chance to look at all of the missed texts.

Greg: “Where are you?”  
Greg: “Get your ass over here!”  
Greg: “Asshole!”

Peter: “Omw”

Greg: “Room 322”

He runs up the steps of the hotel and goes to the elevator while tying his tie. He checks his reflection in the elevator’s mirrored walls and runs his fingers through his hair. The room’s door is propped open, and he hurries in without knocking.

“Sorry,” he says with a sheepish smile. Greg glares at him and then laughs. “Some things never change. Get me a fucking drink so I can calm down before the ceremony starts.”

Peter gets the ice bucket and goes down the hall for ice. He comes back and scans the minibar and hands Greg a glass with ice and some bourbon. “Sorry. There isn’t much, but this should work.” Greg downs it and grins. “Let’s go!”

They are standing at the front of room with the other groomsmen, and Peter finally has a moment to look around. The chairs are set up to face the chuppah, and he notices some familiar faces. He sees a handful of guys from their lacrosse team, and he gives a slight nod to Greg’s extended family. And then he sees Lucas and next to him, Lara Jean. He hasn’t seen her since graduation eight years ago and was not expecting to see her here. Lucas must have brought her as his date. He can’t stop staring. Her shiny hair is shoulder length, her full lips are red, and she’s wearing a simple sheath dress that’s on the right side of short and high heels and gold jewelry. She turns to adjust in her seat, and he gets a peek at the back of her dress, which is pretty much non-existent, as it has a big cut out that shows the small of her back and hits her narrow waist.

And there it is… The whoosh of nostalgia that travels through his body and makes him feel like a teenager again. That pining adolescent that stole looks at her in shared classes and wondered what she was thinking about when she was daydreaming is back. He knew he had no chance. She was smart and artsy and different and had no time for high school boys. She shot down Carlos Myers without a second thought and instead went to all the school dances with Lucas. The guys gave Carlos so much shit for being rejected by his long-term crush for a gay guy, but Peter secretly respected Carlos for being so brave. He was too much of a coward to put himself out there with her. So instead he stuck it out what he knew - his toxic on-and-off relationship with Gen that combusted shortly after junior year.

She moves her head slightly and notices his gaze. _Fuck._ She knows he’s staring. He gives a little smile and then turns his attention to the rabbi and Greg and Rachel.

Liquid courage… He gets a drink and goes to the dance floor and makes his way over to her. She is holding a wine glass and laughing hysterically with Lucas while bopping along to the music. He never thought “Ladies” would be a dance hit at a wedding, but Rachel is a huge Fiona Apple fan. It’s not surprising that Lara Jean and Lucas would be loving this. He sees a few of his old lacrosse teammates. Trevor yells “Kavinsky, get your ass over here!”

Then Lara Jean looks up and finally sees him. She gives him a sweet closed mouth smile and he gives a big wide grin back.

“Hey Covey.”

“Hi Peter.”

“Hi Lucas,” says Lucas, laughing.

“What’s up, man?” Peter says, giving him a brief hug.

“I’m going to get another drink. Want one LJ?”

“Sure.”

Someone jostles Lara Jean, and she bumps into his chest and her wine splashes onto both of them. He puts his hands out to steady her and inadvertently touches her back. He feels a jolt of electricity run through him and he holds his breath for a second. She rights herself and looks up at Peter. He’s staring again. He knows it, and he’s pretty sure she knows it.

“Oh my gosh. I’m so sorry!”

“No worries. It was bound to happen at some point tonight.”

“Here. Let me get some napkins or something.”

“I’m fine.” But he follows her off the dance floor. She makes it over to her table and searches in her clutch and pulls out tissues and starts dabbing his shirt and tie. He feels his body tensing up and wills himself to relax.

“There. Thank goodness it was just white wine.” she says, smiling.

She sits down and looks up at him. “I’m going to use this as an excuse to sit for a bit. My feet are killing me.” He looks down and watches her cross her legs and feels weak. _Get it together._ He forces himself to look up again.

“You don’t have to stay here. Go back and have fun!”

“What if I want to stay?” He pulls a chair closer to her and sits down. Her eyes widen a little.

Then they start talking about their lives. And who they still talk to from home. They both live in New York, which Peter knows from his sporadic Insta-stalking, and they talk about their favorite restaurants and coffee and walks and Kitty and Owen and everything else, and before he knows it, there are only five people left on the dance floor.

He’s remembering what he saw in her. She’s gorgeous, but she’s also intelligent and kind. She’s not the center of attention but she is self-possessed and has a quiet strength and knows who she is. She is completely unaware of how stunning she is and assumes she goes unnoticed. She doesn’t know how people look at her, but it has done nothing to diminish her sense of self.

Lara Jean looks at her phone and says she should head back to the airbnb she’s sharing with Lucas. It’s late, and she needs to catch a flight tomorrow morning. He stands up with her and puts his hand on her back as they make their way to coat check and then helps her with her jacket. He waits with her outside for her car.

She’s looking at him, waiting for him to say something.

He knows that this is his chance. That there might not be another. He takes a deep breath and asks her if he can see her back in New York. And she says yes. And she gives him her number. And then she reaches up and gently pushes his hair off his forehead and then runs her fingers through his hair and then moves closer and lowers her hands to his neck and pulls him down and presses her soft lips against his. His heart is thumping so loudly in his ears he can’t hear anything else. She turns her head to look at the car that’s pulling up.

He puts his hands on her waist and pulls her as close as he can and murmurs close to her ear, “Good night, Covey.”

She gives him a small smile as he helps her in the car. He closes the door and stands and watches as it drives off.


	2. Out of words when you’re around

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s getting late, but Peter would give anything for the night to not end. They are getting close to her brownstone, and she abruptly turns to him. “Do you want to come up?” “Yes, more than anything,” is his immediate answer. And she giggles.
> 
> She opens the door and they enter the front hall. She puts her purse down and then stretches her arm to turn on a lamp and there is that patch of skin again. She sees him staring. “Peter?”
> 
> He takes one step towards her and puts his hands on her waist and finds his voice. “Can I kiss you? I can’t think about anything else.”

**Out of words when you’re around**

The car turns the corner, and Peter reaches for his phone.

Peter: Dinner tomorrow at 8?  
Covey: Upper West Side ok?   
Peter: Sure. I’ll come get you.

After he has brunch with Greg’s family the next morning, Peter heads straight to the airport.Greg and Rachel are leaving for their honeymoon, so his best man duties are officially over.He’s anxious because he is cutting it close scheduling dinner a few hours after his arrival time, but he cannot wait to see her again. 

He hasn’t had a moment to himself to process what happened.He’s on a high from that kiss, but he is also nervous and to be honest, he feels a little pathetic to be this unraveled by his high school crush.

Once he gets back to his apartment, he immediately changes and goes for a quick run to clear his head.When he gets back and showers, he tries to find clothes that don’t look stupid.He settles on a blue button down and some nice gray jeans. 

He goes to Lara Jean’s brownstone and buzzes up. She had mentioned she is house-sitting for a professor who is on sabbatical, and the building is gorgeous.She comes down and he is struck dumb again.She is wearing high waisted jeans that tie in the middle and a red top with little pleats in it. Her hair is tied back.Her skin is flawless and she looks so beautiful.He can’t help staring at the sliver of skin that is exposed between her shirt and the waistband of her jeans.

“Hi.”She smiles so wide her dimples show, and he grins.“Hey.”And then he relaxes a little.

She takes his arm and they walk down the street to a little bistro and have wine and eat dinner.He finds himself listening intently to every word that comes out of her mouth. He doesn’t want to miss anything.He makes a mental note of the wine she orders because she likes it so much.

“Am I talking too much?You are quieter than I remember.I was thinking that at Greg’s wedding, too,” she says, meeting his eyes.

“No, I’m just taking everything in. I’m still processing that I’m sitting here with you right now,” he refuses to look away.

“It is a little weird, isn’t it?” she tinkles a laugh. 

“It’s pretty much been the best 36 hours that I can remember, “ he replies, still looking at her eyes. _There it is again._ The tension in the air is undeniable.

He can’t sit across a table from her anymore.He wants to get closer.“Do you want to get out of here?And maybe take a walk?”Then he second guesses himself. “Or is it too late?”

“Peter, I’m still a student.I sometimes go to sleep at dawn.I’d love to walk,” she says.

He pays and as he gets her chair for her, he can’t help but rest his hands on her shoulders for a moment.She looks up at him and it’s all that he can do to not reach out and touch her face. 

They take a walk around her neighborhood and she points out her favorite neighborhood spots for coffee, studying, and eating.He loves getting a look into her life.She says that after her dissertation defense she hopes to get a position teaching somewhere, but she’s worried about it because it’s so competitive.She doesn’t want to end up somewhere completely random, but she knows she has to be open to all possibilities.He tells her about his job at the investment bank and how the hours are so brutal and how he works with a bunch of assholes, but he’s almost done paying back his business school loans and hopes to make a career change.

He tells her he hasn’t had a girlfriend since college and she laughs and asks, with a playful spark in her eyes, “So are you just playing the field now?” And he looks at her eyes and says “There is no field.” And she smiles and looks away.She doesn’t offer any information about her own situation, and he doesn’t push, but he so desperately wants to know her story. There’s no mistaking the charge between them, and he just needs to know if she feels it as much as he does. 

It’s getting late, but Peter would give anything for the night to not end.They are getting close to her brownstone, and she abruptly turns to him.“Do you want to come up?” “Yes, more than anything,” is his immediate answer.And she giggles.

She opens the door and they enter the front hall.She puts her purse down and then stretches her arm to turn on a lamp and there is that patch of skin again.She sees him staring.“Peter?”

He takes one step towards her and puts his hands on her waist and finds his voice. “Can I kiss you?I can’t think about anything else.”

She doesn’t answer but moves closer.Her eyes are closing, and he cups her face with his hands and leans down to meet her mouth.He runs his tongue over her bottom lip and he feels a rush over his body and then he opens his mouth and gently presses his tongue into her mouth. She sighs and he feels her body lean into his, and he continues to give her tender kisses while keeping his hands on her face.When he sucks on her bottom lip, she sharply inhales.Then she takes his hand and leads him to the sofa in the front room. He sits down and pulls her on top of him.

He can’t stop touching her.Her skin is so soft and smooth and he just wants to feel every inch of her.She starts kissing his neck and then moves on to nibble on his earlobe, and he is loving it.She’s driving him crazy, and he wants her so badly, but he wants to make sure this is good and exactly what she wants.He can’t screw this up.He stops and looks at her face. “Lara Jean?” She opens her eyes slowly and they are liquid and dark.And then she pulls off her shirt and lets her hair down.He catches his breath.She unbuttons his shirt and he shrugs it off, keeping his eyes on her.Her lips are slightly parted and he brings his fingers up to trace them.She lets out a little moan that hits him hard and he’s sure she wants it, too. And the mood shifts from gentle to intense in a hurry.

He pushes down her bra and grazes her nipples with his fingers and then he starts licking and sucking them and she gasps and rocks her hips and he feels the strain of his dick against his jeans.Her hands are in his hair again, and he loves it.He is _aching_ to go down on her.He looks up and moves her off his lap.“I’m going to go down on you now,” his voice is gruff. She gives a sexy little smile and lifts her hips so he can take off her jeans.

There is something about her tonight that makes him feel that maybe she is used to this or expects this - someone wanting her so intensely.That she expects him to worship her and want to taste her and to be thrilled by being the person allowed to do these things, and it is an incredible turn on.And it makes him want it to be so much better for her, _the best,_ and he is just going to chase whatever she needs. He’s going to make it happen so she lets him be that person again and again.

He kneels down and slides off her jeans. He licks up her thighs and presses his mouth against her panties and lets out a hot breath.She’s breathing hard and whimpering a little and he can’t wait any longer.He pulls down her panties and puts her legs over his shoulders.As he tastes her he is so turned on that he can’t stop himself from moaning, and he could do this forever, wants to do this forever, but after a while she says, breathless, “I want you inside of me.” And he takes off his jeans and his boxer briefs and gets a condom out of his wallet.

She’s watching him with heavy lidded eyes and takes the condom from his hands and then she grasps him and swirls her tongue around his tip, and it feels so amazing that he’s shaking.When she slides the condom on him he swallows hard.She leans back and he kisses her and then pushes into her with a groan and they move together.She starts moaning and calling his name and pushes his ass with both of her hands to get him in deeper and then she’s shuddering.He loses it altogether and curses and with the final thrusts he feels like he’s blacking out and then he moves them so she’s on top and he doesn’t collapse onto her small frame.


	3. I've been tryin to come down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s been more than a week since Peter has slept at his apartment. He goes there to get clothes and check mail, but he’s been basically living with Lara Jean at the brownstone. They’ve settled into a domestic routine. He makes her coffee after his morning runs and she packs him lunches for work. She rubs his shoulders when he comes home and he either makes dinner or orders take out for them to share. Sometimes they’ll have a drink outside on the terrace after dinner while she reads or grades papers, and he’ll look on LinkedIn for new job leads. He goes to sleep earlier than her, but he inevitably wakes up when she comes to bed. He’ll reach out for her and then use his mouth and his hands to make her cry out and when she’s about to fall apart and demanding him he’ll fold into her and afterwards they’ll fall asleep holding each other, completely spent.

**I’ve been tryin’ to come down**

It’s been more than a week since Peter has slept at his apartment.He goes there to get clothes and check mail,but he’s been basically living with Lara Jean at the brownstone.They’ve settled into a domestic routine.He makes her coffee after his morning runs and she packs him lunches for work.She rubs his shoulders when he comes home and he either makes dinner or orders take out for them to share.Sometimes they’ll have a drink outside on the terrace after dinner while she reads or grades papers, and he’ll look on LinkedIn for new job leads.He goes to sleep earlier than her, but he inevitably wakes up when she comes to bed.He’ll reach out for her and then use his mouth and his hands to make her cry out and when she’s about to fall apart and demanding him he’ll fold into her and afterwards they’ll fall asleep holding each other, completely spent.

In his daily life, Peter is in a fog.He’s still functioning, but all he can think about when he is not working is Lara Jean - her face, her sweet disposition, her voice, and her endearing quirks.He has to stop himself from thinking too much about their nights together.His neck gets hot thinking about the sex and he has to shut his eyes tight and give his head a little shake to reorient himself.He has never experienced chemistry so intense and intimacy that is so easy and natural.And as much as he has, he wants more.His friends are getting pissed at him for blowing them off and he owes his mom a phone call,but he is singularly focused on his life with Lara Jean right now. He is falling for her, hard, and he feels so vulnerable, but he is unable to step back or play a game and feign indifference.He hasn’t felt like this ever, and despite his vulnerability, he is ecstatic that he is in this relationship. 

She’s some of what he remembers from high school, but he is learning that adult Lara Jean is much more.She’s a force.She’s an intellectual and cultured and generous and honest.She has a great sense of humor and an ability to pick up the funny that’s not obvious.And she’s woke and active and recognizes her privilege and works to do better.All of this, combined with her beauty and style and poise, destroys Peter.He’s been with plenty of women, dated and flirted and fucked and wooed his share, but he has never felt so challenged and consumed by anyone before.And it’s not that he feels that he doesn’t deserve her or that he doesn’t have anything to offer, because he knows he does, but he feels so goddamn lucky to have this chance.And this makes him different with her - more quiet and observant.He knows that she can cut him loose, and she will, if he fucks up.

On Friday, he gets home early and lets himself in.He isn’t expecting Lara Jean to be home yet and he decides he’s going to see if there’s a pick up game at the park.He goes into the bedroom to change, and he sees Lara Jean crying into the phone.When she sees him she says “I have to go” and ends her call.

“What’s wrong?” He's worried and puts his arms around her and wipes her tears with his fingers.

“My dad was in a car accident.He’s in the hospital.He’s okay, but-” she says with a shaky voice.

“I am so sorry,” and he pulls her close and she buries her face into his chest.He rubs her back and strokes her hair.He knows this must be terrifying for her, especially since she lost her mother at such a young age.“Your fall break starts on Monday anyway.Why don’t we rent a car and go home tonight?I’ll take you.”

She looks up at him, surprised. “You have to work!”

“I’ll drive back on Sunday.You can stay there if you need to.You can fly back, or I can come back and get you,” he shrugs.

“Really?” Her red-rimmed eyes look hopeful. “I don’t know, Peter.That’s a lot for you.”

“Are you kidding?I haven’t seen my mom in months.She’ll be so happy.I’ll reserve a car right now.Get your stuff together,” he kisses her on the nose and gets his phone out.

“Thanks.What would I do without you?” and she hugs him so tight and sighs, and his stomach does a little flip and he kisses the top of her head and breathes in her shampoo.“Start packing so we can get on the road,” he says into her hair.

The drive is long and made worse by traffic, but he can tell she’s relieved to be going home.He puts one hand on her thigh and she puts hers on top of it and laces her fingers into his.Eventually she falls asleep, and he can’t help stealing glances at her lashes resting on her cheeks.

It’s almost 11:00 when they get to the hospital, and he lets her out first and goes to park.When he gets inside he goes to the floor she texted him, and he sees her sitting with a man’s arm wrapped around her shoulder. And he doesn’t think he’s imagining that she’s leaning into the embrace.And he’s definitely not imagining the guy leaning into her and rubbing her shoulder with his hand.

He knows it’s irrational and hates himself for feeling this way, but a mixture of jealousy and possessiveness explodes in his gut.He takes a deep breath as he walks over.“Hey, Lara Jean?Is everything ok?”She turns to look at him and so does the guy.

She gets up quickly and stands close to him and laces her fingers through his. Looking up at him, she says,

“Peter, this is John, a..uh..friend from college.” 

“Hey Peter. It’s nice to meet you,” John says, and extends a hand.

“Hi,” Peter shakes his hand and looks back at Lara Jean.

“John Ambrose, thanks for coming.I think I’ll stay here and wait to see if I can see my dad.I’ll text you later,” she says. _John_ ** _Ambrose_** _? Text him later??_ John gets up and gives Lara Jean a quick hug and says bye to both of them.

Peter’s quiet and looking at her.

“I’m sorry.I know this is weird.I had no idea he would be here.We were together for most of college.He keeps in touch with my sisters a little, mostly Kitty, because they both ended up in DC, but I don’t really speak to him anymore.This is the first time I’ve seen him since we broke up,” the words are rushed and she is trying hard to maintain an even tone, but he hears it hitch with emotion.

“Ok, we need to talk, but this isn’t the right time,” he says, controlled and quiet.Her eyes are searching his and she nods a little.

Trina comes out to the waiting room and gives Lara Jean a huge hug.Her eyes are tired, but she smiles and greets Peter warmly, introducing herself and thanking him for bringing Lara Jean.“He’s doing so much better.He broke his sternum, but his lungs and heart are perfect. They are sure he’s going to be fine.He looks bad because of the bruising, but he’s okay.”

“Can I see him?” her voice is high and he can feel her trembling.Peter puts his hand on her back and rubs circles.

“Sure, honey.”Trina smiles.“He’ll be so happy to see you.”

Lara Jean looks at Peter, and he says “Take your time.I’m going to try to find some food downstairs.Just call me when you’re ready.”He kisses her on the cheek.

He’s on his way downstairs, his mind is racing.And then he wonders, has John made an indelible mark on Lara Jean?Did he shape her ideals about love and relationships and sex?And how could he not still want her?Well, obviously he does. Why else would he be here?

And what’s more, Peter can’t figure out why he is so thrown off by this. They’ve only been dating ( _is that what they are even doing?!_ ) for less than a week.But he is bothered that Lara Jean is still so connected with someone else, that John is a constant in her life.He’s still in her orbit, so much so, that he feels compelled to see her when she’s upset, and has a relationship with her family, and is so comfortable with her that he can wrap his arm around her in such a familiar way.

He forces the thoughts out of his head, and grabs some bottles of water and bags of M&Ms and finds a place to sit down and wait. 

In about an hour, she texts that she is ready to go.He meets her upstairs. 

She’s smiling now and her shoulders are more relaxed.He smiles back and pops an M&M into her mouth and she chuckles and gives him a kiss and a nuzzle and they head to the car, holding hands.She presses into his side, and holds his arm so tightly with her other hand that it almost hurts, and he loves it.


	4. On a high when you're around

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He’s happy to be driving back together. Sleeping apart was harder than he thought it would be. He misses her warm body curled up next to his. She’s small in stature, but her petite frame packs a surprising amount of womanliness. There’s a thrilling weight to her breasts and a lethal curve to her backside. He loves running his hand down the bend of her waist and tucking her shapely legs between his while they are spooning.
> 
> Despite all of this, or maybe because of it, he still needs to know…
> 
> When they get merge onto 495, he asks, suddenly, “Can we talk about John now?” and she looks a little surprised but says, “Sure. What do you want to know?”

**On a high when you’re around**

Dr. Covey is back at home and resting comfortably.Lara Jean decides to spend most of the day on Sunday with Kitty and her parents at home and then drive back to New York with Peter in the evening. 

When he leaves, his mom gives him a hug and says, “I loved seeing you.Do you think next time you can bring her over?”

Peter grins and shrugs.“We’ll see.”

“Well there’s always the chance of a surprise visit to New York.I love going in the fall,” she threatens, laughing.

He’s happy to be driving back together.Sleeping apart was harder than he thought it would be.He misses her warm body curled up next to his. She’s small in stature, but her petite frame packs a surprising amount of womanliness.There’s a thrilling weight to her breasts and a lethal curve to her backside. He loves running his hand down the bend of her waist and tucking her shapely legs between his while they are spooning.

Despite all of this, or maybe because of it, he still needs to know…

When they get merge onto 495, he asks, suddenly,“Can we talk about John now?” and she looks a little surprised but says “Sure. What do you want to know?”

“Why didn’t you ever mention him?” he asks, trying not to have an edge in his voice. “I mean, I don’t expect you to go through every detail about your past, but it seems like things were pretty serious between you two.”

Her voice falters.“I don’t know.I think maybe I’m used to not talking about it now.Thinking about him used to bring back a lot of painful memories, so I just trained myself to not do it anymore.Maybe it was a coping mechanism?We had our whole lives mapped out together, and it was kind of catastrophic for me when it ended,” her eyes look sad and she starts fumbling with the strap of her bag. “The end was tragic. He found someone else and just needed to explore that and he was honest and open and good about it, but I was still really heartbroken.”

“Do you still love him?”

She sighs. “I don’t know how to answer that.”He deflates.“I don’t want to be with him.But I love who he is and he will always be someone I care about and want the best for.He’s important to me.I’m not in love with him, and I haven’t been for a long time.” 

“Does he still love you?” _Is he trying to get back together with you?_

She’s quiet for a beat.Then “Yes.Our break up was horrible for both of us, and he pretty much wanted to get back together after a couple of months, but I just couldn’t.” And then he knows she could hear what he’s asking.“And I still can’t and don’t want to.It’s over.”

“Are you going to start talking to him now?”

“I don’t think so.But if I do, I’m not going to hide it from you.” He’s not sure what to say to that.He doesn’t want her to hide anything from him, but is the implication that they aren’t really together so therefore she doesn’t feel any obligation to him?

She feels far away now.She’s looking out the window, and he wants to reach out a hand to her and pull her close, but he stops himself.And all of a sudden, he’s tired. He’s pretty sure he is falling in love with her.At the same time, he’s wondering if their relationship is predestined to not be what he wants.The irony does not escape him that their first conversation about love is in the context of her relationship with another guy.

They drive in silence the rest of the way home. 

He drops her off and then returns the car, and debates whether he should stay at his apartment tonight because things are off.But he just can’t do it.He needs to be with her and try to resolve this.He comes back to the brownstone, and he’s tense.She’s in the kitchen, and when he walks in he sees that she’s barefoot and has changed into leggings and a short loose sweatshirt, and immediately he is turned on.She’s filling the tea kettle in the sink, and he gets behind her and presses his mouth to her neck.She gasps and turns her face to him. “I need to make you come,” his voice is hoarse. He feels her breathing quicken, and he pulls up her sweatshirt and kisses down her spine and moves his hands over her ass, and he feels her press into him.He runs his hands between her legs and can feel the dampness through her leggings, and she's whimpering.He turns her around and sets her against the wall and peels off the leggings and her panties.He doesn’t want to go slow this time.He wants to tell her - no, show her -that they belong together.He gets a condom out and unzips his pants and pushes his boxers down.He rolls the condom on, and hoists her up and pushes into her.He’s thrusting hard and she’s moaning and it’s so good, but he is still greedy for more.He wants to hear her say it.“Tell me you love this.Tell me how good it feels.” She opens her eyes.“Peter you know I love this,” she gasps as he circles in deeper.“It’s unbelievable……ohhhhh.….,” and moans and then comes loudly, and he follows and groans and rests his forehead on hers. And it’s intense and tender and perfect as always, but he still needs more. 

_Fuck it_.What does he have to lose? 

“Lara Jean, do you want to be with me?” He’s still breathless but his voice is low and serious.

“What?” she’s shocked. _What?!_ Why is she acting like he’s crazy?

“Do you want to be in a relationship with me? An exclusive relationship?”

“Uh, yes, obviously! Aren’t we IN an exclusive relationship? _”_ She huffs, indignant, and looks at him with reproachful eyes. 

He laughs and feels like an idiot, and he pulls her tight against him. “I’m sorry.Yes, of course we are.It’s been making me crazy how I feel about you.There’s so much I haven’t said yet, but I hope you know.”

“I know, Peter,” she says softly.“I hope you know, too.”


	5. Invisible String

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lara Jean is spending her fall break working on her dissertation. Her schedule is more flexible during break, so for fun, she has been finding new places for them to meet for late dinners that are on the way home for Peter after work. He’s waiting for her at a Persian place in the Village now, and he’s scrolling his phone. He’s taking off Friday so he can take her away for a couple of nights. They’ve both been working hard, and he just wants to get out of the city with his gorgeous girl and go upstate or to the Berkshires or something, and he’s trying to find a picturesque inn or an airbnb that Lara Jean will love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here's the angst!
> 
> Invisible String, Taylor Swift  
> And isn't it just pretty to think  
> All along there was some  
> Invisible string  
> Tying you to me?

**Invisible String**

Lara Jean is spending her fall break working on her dissertation. Her schedule is more flexible during break, so for fun, she has been finding new places for them to meet for late dinners that are on the way home for Peter after work. He’s waiting for her at a Persian place in the Village now, and he’s scrolling his phone. He’s taking off Friday so he can take her away for a couple of nights. They’ve both been working hard, and he just wants to get out of the city with his gorgeous girl and go upstate or to the Berkshires or something, and he’s trying to find a picturesque inn or an airbnb that Lara Jean will love.

His phone buzzes.

Greg: Where have you been? I’ll be in the city for work next week. Let’s grab a meal or a drink.  
Peter: Sure sounds good.  
Greg: Rachel wants to introduce you to her friend Kelly. She works at Conde Nast.  
Peter: No thanks.  
Greg: Why?  
Peter: Because I’m seeing someone.  
Greg: What? Who? Is it that girl from your building?  
Peter: Lara Jean.  
Greg: WHAT?  
Greg: And?  
Greg: Come ON!  
Greg: Hello?  
Peter: Just tell me when you know your schedule and we’ll make a plan.  
Greg: You’re an asshole.

“What are you smiling about?” He looks up and he sees her. She’s beaming at him. She’s wearing a moto jacket and skinny jeans and he’s ready to go home and into bed now. 

“Nothing,” he says, and he stands up to kiss her and settles her into her chair. “Greg’s just being Greg. He’ll be in town next week. Want to skip dinner and just go home now?” he looks at her suggestively.

“No. I’m starving. I went to that 90 minute hot yoga class today, and I feel faint,” she says, giving him a sweet kiss.

“Ok let’s get you some food,” he turns to try to make eye contact with their server.

“Stop eating so fast, Peter. You’re acting like you’ve never eaten in your life,” Lara Jean’s laughing.

“I’m eating like this because I’m in the mood for eating something else,” Peter says in a low voice, and Lara Jean shushes him.

* * *

When they get back to the brownstone, Peter picks Lara Jean up and throws her over his shoulder and walks up to the front door. He holds her while he unlocks the door and they stumble inside. They’re both laughing so hard, and he’s feeling so light and happy. “Lara Jean?”

“What?” she’s still giggling.

“I’m stupid happy with you,” he says, and he kisses her, and she cups his face in her hands.

“You know, I always thought you were sweet in high school, with those eyes and curls, but you really are the sweetest person I know.”

“You thought about me in high school?” He’s almost preening.

“Get a grip. Just in the same general way everyone thinks about everyone.”

“Well I didn’t think about you in a general way. I had very special thoughts when it came to Lara Jean.”

“Come on, Peter!”

“Nothing dirty. Well maybe a little dirty sometimes. I just thought you were amazing. And I was too much of a chicken shit to ask you out.”

“You’re totally airbrushing the past. You were practically betrothed to Gen! She had you on lock.” She shivers a little. “God, she was pretty scary. Even though I had Chris, I was still scared of her.”

“Well, I still had my secret thoughts about you. Speaking of my secret thoughts, let’s go to bed.”

She laughs and lets him lead her to their bedroom.

He’s lying on the bed looking at her get undressed and he feels such tenderness towards her, but he also feels vulnerable, too, and kind of exposed. Suddenly the happiness from before changes into something more desperate, and he says in a choked voice, “Sometimes I think I’m scared of _you_.” And she looks at him for a moment but doesn’t say anything. And then she undresses him and kisses his neck and rakes her breasts down his chest to his stomach, and then she holds his twitching dick, and he sucks in a big breath. She puts her mouth on him and sucks and licks until he’s trembling and groaning and cursing. And when he comes, it’s explosive and he feels like he’s been knocked out. He’s still trying to catch his breath when he pulls her up to him and gives her wet kiss. “See what I mean? You almost killed me,” he gasps. She laughs and reaches over to get her shirt, and he holds her arm back. “What are you doing? I still haven’t gotten to do what I’ve been waiting all night for.” And she smirks a little, and leans back on the bed. 

The next morning she’s still in bed as he’s getting ready to leave for work, and he brushes his lips on her forehead and whispers that he’s leaving. When she grumbles and pulls the covers over her face, he chuckles and feels an ache in his chest.

* * *

Later that day, as Peter’s getting his stuff together to leave his office he checks his phone.

Covey: I have to see John Ambrose so I can’t make dinner. It’s a long story, and I have to leave now. Don’t worry. I’ll see you at home later. I shouldn’t be home later than 9:00.

_What? When did she even start talking to him again?_

There’s that deep unsettling jealousy rearing its head again, and he just can’t deal with it. He’s exhausted from work and obsessed with his girlfriend, and he doesn’t have the capacity for more. He goes to his apartment and changes and goes for a run. He’s puts on his gym playlist that he hopes will drown out any thoughts. With Kendrick Lamar blaring in his ears, he hits the pavement.

He runs to Battery Park and gets on the Hudson River Greenway and runs all the way to 92nd Street. He checks his phone to see what time it is and sees all the missed texts.

Covey: Where are you?  
Covey: It’s 10:30. Call me.  
Covey: Are you mad?   
Covey: Will you just call me?

Peter: I went on a run and lost track of time. Give me 20 mins

He sees Lara Jean sitting on the steps outside. And of course, the light from the streetlamp is making her look luminous against the darkness of the night. He steels himself to not to be affected by her beauty or her sex appeal or anything else. It’s easy to get caught up with her in the moment, and he realizes that he has to check his impulses so he can tell her everything he needs to. 

“Hey,” she looks upset.

“Let’s go inside.” he says. After he shuts the door, he says “Lara Jean, what the fuck was that? You can’t send me a text like that. How do you think that makes me feel?”

“I know, I’m so sorry. He called me and sounded so desperate. He was here for a conference, and he wanted to talk. I couldn’t say no. He had to catch a flight back so I was rushed. I texted in a hurry, and when I re-read it I knew it was sounded bad. I’m so sorry.” She reaches out to touch grab his hand, and he doesn’t move away, but he doesn’t get closer either.

“What did he want to say? Wait, let me guess. He wants you back.” He spits out.

She winces. 

“You either want to be with me one hundred percent or you don’t. I can’t do this anymore if there is even a tiny bit of you that wants someone else.” His voice is quiet but sure.

She turns to him with her eyebrows raised. “How can you even think that I’m not fully in this relationship? I go on one date with you - not only that, I sleep with you, and after that, we’re practically living together! I think you know by now, that this is not my normal behavior! We’re moving so fast, but I don’t want to slow down. I can’t stop thinking about you. And I know you feel the same. That’s why we’re here, right? What in the past couple of weeks has made you think that I’m not wholly invested in this and in you? It’s pretty obvious, Peter. I mean, John Ambrose wanted to talk today because _even he_ noticed how I acted with you at the hospital. It made him sad because he could tell how much I like you, and it made him reflect on the past. And you know what? While I was talking to John today, there was big part of me that kept thinking about how he was making me miss dinner with you. And I felt so selfish and sociopathic!”

Peter smiles happily. “Really?” 

She rolls her eyes. “Oh my god, Peter. You are impossible! This is the second time in about a week that you’ve been really dumb about us. And I’ll refresh your memory if you don’t remember the first time.” 

He opens his mouth, but she goes on.

“Remember when you asked me to be in a relationship with you? Right _after_ we had sex when we got home from a trip we went on _together_ so that I could see my dad? It was also after we had been having sex for days and sleeping in the same bed and sharing meals and everything else! To most people, all of those activities would mean they are already in a relationship! I don’t think that it’s unreasonable for me to say the exclusivity of our relationship is inferred by the fact that we spend every free moment together, that we cohabitate, and we have sex so often that we couldn’t possibly be having sex with anyone else. I could have been really hurt by that question, but I gave you the benefit of the doubt because I can tell you really want to be with me I trust your intentions with me. See? And that’s how much I want to be with you. Even when you’re dumb, I still want to be with you.” She’s exasperated.

He smiles again, sheepish and apologetic this time. 

“And just so you know, I told him that I’ve moved on…and that I’m with you. I told him I can’t keep talking to him until he’s okay with only friendship.” 

“Ok, good.” And he moves closer to her and smoothes her hair.

“Wait a minute,” she holds up a hand. “Can you say sorry for not even checking in before you decided to run for hours? And for not giving me the benefit of the doubt? And just for being super dumb about me sometimes?”

Shit. He’s contrite, and man, he cannot get over how fierce Lara Jean can get when she feels wronged. He’s never seen this side of her, and to be honest, he likes it and he’s a little turned on by it. “I am really sorry. I’m sorry for all of those things. I promise I’ll do better. I get stuck in my head because what I feel for you is so intense and I haven’t felt like this before. But that’s not an excuse. I’ll work on it, I promise.”

She smiles and kisses him, and just like that, the sweetness returns to her eyes. “Ok, I forgive you. Do you forgive me for the text?” He nods. She starts to move away, but he pulls her back in. “Wait, do you want to take a shower with me? I want to hear more about how sociopathic I make you.” She laughs. And then she murmurs, “and you can tell me more about your ‘Lara Jean special thoughts,’ but I only want to hear the dirty ones.” He feels his neck get hot, and then she squeals as he hugs her close to his sweaty shirt and gives her a big sloppy kiss.


	6. Hannah Hunt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lara Jean is over the moon when Peter tells her about the trip he has planned. He found a place in the Berkshires, and it’s a drive but it’s worth it. He knows she’ll love the foliage and the quaintness and history of the town, and he can’t wait to do this with her. 
> 
> He picked up the car on Thursday so that they can leave early on the next day, and on Friday morning he’s packing up the car (it is unbelievable how much stuff she’s packed for a weekend), and then he calls up “Ready, Covey?”
> 
> She runs down, grinning, dimples out, and his heart swells. He takes yet another bag from her and as they get in the car she says with a glint in her eye, “I have a few surprises for you.” He can’t take it anymore. “I think I’m falling in love with you, Lara Jean,” he says softly. He can’t look at her.
> 
> “I think I’m falling in love with you, too,” and she leans over and kisses him, and he smiles into her kiss and puts his hands in her hair. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hannah Hunt, Vampire Weekend
> 
> A man of faith said hidden eyes could see what I was thinking  
> I just smiled and told him that was only true of Hannah

**Hannah Hunt**

Lara Jean is over the moon when Peter tells her about the trip he has planned.He found a place in the Berkshires, and it’s a drive but it’s worth it.He knows she’ll love the foliage and the quaintness and history of the town, and he can’t wait to do this with her. 

He picked up the car on Thursday so that they can leave early on the next day, and on Friday morning he’s packing up the car (it is unbelievable how much stuff she’s packed for a weekend), and then he calls up “Ready, Covey?”

She runs down, grinning, dimples out, and his heart swells.He takes yet another bag from her and as they get in the car she says with a glint in her eye, “I have a few surprises for you.” He can’t take it anymore. “I think I’m falling in love with you, Lara Jean,” he says softly.He can’t look at her.

“I think I’m falling in love with you, too,” and she leans over and kisses him, and he smiles into her kiss and puts his hands in her hair. 

He finally pulls away from the curb, and he’s elated now, and he knows he looks stupid with his goofy grin, but he doesn’t care.Lara Jean announces her first surprise - she’s packed them breakfast for the car, and she takes out flasks of hot coffee and cherry turnovers that she baked herself while he was at work.And he feels like he could die happy from this sweet gesture.

She puts her sunglasses on and has a playlist going, and she lets out a content little sigh, and he smiles and rubs her thigh.

“Hey, do you want to go to dinner with Greg and Rachel next week?” Peter asks.

“Sure, that sounds fun.Wait, does he know we’re dating?”

“Yeah, I mentioned it.”

“Oh, ok…” She looks worried.

“Shouldn’t I have?It’s not a secret, right?”

“Of course not.I just haven’t said anything because things happened so quickly.”

I only mentioned it because Rachel wanted to set me up with someone.”

“Oh really?” Lara Jean laughs.

“Why is that funny?I was considered to be a pretty eligible bachelor,” he jokes.

“Oh I have no doubt.Remember you had this gaggle of girls following you around in high school?”

“Ha!I remember wishing that you would pay me some attention.”

“Oh my god, again with this!If you did wish that, why didn’t you pay me some attention?”

“I paid you lots of silent attention.”

“Okay, Peter,” she laughs again.“What exactly is silent attention?It’s ok if you didn’t notice me in high school. That was like a decade ago! You notice me now, and that’s all I care about.”

“I know it doesn’t matter to you, but I did!And I want you to know that.I had a crush on you in high school and other boys did, too, by the way, but they can go fuck themselves.” She snickers. “And so I was very pleasantly surprised to see you at the wedding.You and your dress.And your shoes, too.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.Didn’t you notice how much I was staring at you and following you around?”

“Well, yes I did.I’ll admit that Lucas noticed first. I didn’t know the staring began in high school.The following around definitely started at the wedding, right?”

Peter laughs loudly.“Why are you so funny? And you know what?You should know that’s something about you that makes guys crazy.It doesn’t matter to you one way or the other if all these guys are into you or not.”

“First of all, all these guys aren’t into me.Secondly, I only care if the guy I’m into is into me.And thankfully that’s the case,” she says, and she brings his hand up to her cheek and nuzzles it.Then she giggles, “And I’m glad you don’t pay me ‘silent attention’ now.I’m glad it’s normal volume attention.”

“Don’t make me feel embarrassed!I’m putting it all out there.Fight Club, no secrets.”

“What?”

“Haven’t you seen that movie?”

“Nope, and there’s no title of a movie that I’d have less interest in.Wait a minute, is Brad Pitt in that movie?If so, I can be persuaded to watch it.”

“Covey! Forget I mentioned it.”

“Oh come on.I’ll silently appreciate him.”

“Stop it! By the way, where is that dress - the one you wore to the wedding?Is it in one of the fifty bags in the car?”

“You’ll just have to wait and see.Remember I told you I have some surprises in store for you.”

She gives him a little smile that hits him in the groin.

* * *

They get to the inn, and Lara Jean loves it.She loves the history of it, the grounds, the quaint town, and all of the architecture.When they get to their room, she starts exclaiming over the linens and the furniture. She steps into the bathroom, and Peter falls onto the bed and starts looking at his phone for places for dinner.

“Peter?” He looks over at her, and his jaw drops.She’s wearing black lace unlined lingerie, and she’s breathtaking.The bra is low cut and the panties have satin straps that criss cross around the sides of her hips.It’s so sexy and feminine, and the thought that she bought that to wear for him makes him light-headed. “There was a sample sale at Agent Provocateur. Do you like it?”He exhales loudly.He doesn’t respond, and his mouth is still open.“Are you paying me silent attention again?” She giggles.“What?” And then shakes his head a little and growls, “Ok, that’s it!Stop making fun of me.And don’t think I forgot about your Brad Pitt comment either.”He gets off the bed and she squeaks when he picks her up, bridal style. “We’re getting in the bath together.I want to see you completely wet in that. And there’s going to be nothing silent about what I’m planning on doing to you during and after the bath.”He blows a raspberry on her neck, and she starts laughing and squirming in his arms. 

A few hours later, they’re at dinner in town, and Peter notices people giving appreciative glances at Lara Jean when they sit at their table.She’s wearing a navy fitted dress with balloon sleeves that have little zippers on the cuffs. She has her hair clipped to one side, and her lips are red, and as usual, she’s gorgeous and unassuming and completely unaware of the attention she’s getting.“I don’t tell you enough, but you are beautiful.You know that, right?”

She’s looks surprised. “What?”

“Wait, have I ever told you? I don’t think I have.” He feels bad.

“Peter, I know you are attracted to me.”

“But it’s more than that.You are objectively stunning. With your perfect face and your unbelievable body and your hair and skin and hands and lips and-”

“Okay, okay okay,I get it!Thank you.”She giggles.

“I guess I never tell you because I think it’s understood, but I think it all the time.”

“I guess I never tell you how handsome you are because I think it’s understood, too.” 

He smiles.“You think I’m handsome?”He’s preening again.

“Oh my god.Of course I do.You know you’re handsome! You are the handsomest of all the handsome men.” She smiles at him.

“I am?” He wants to hear more. 

She shakes her head and laughs and then the server comes to take their order.She looks at Peter after the server leaves with their menus.“By the way, I’ve been meaning to ask you.Did you like your surprise?”He lets out a breath and says in a quiet voice, “Yes, I loved it.Couldn’t you tell?”She says softly, “Too bad it got all wet from the bath.I couldn’t put it back on.”His eyes are wide and he’s speechless for a moment. “You are being the biggest brat today, and I mean that in the best and worst ways possible.”Who could resist her? 

He rushes through dinner and pleads with her to eat more quickly and when they get back to their room, he pushes up her dress and slides his hands up her thighs.She’s moaning and writhing.He puts a hand between her legs and feels that she’s already so wet, and he groans. _I’m the one who makes her feel this way._ That thought overwhelms him, and he suddenly he feels a sense of urgency.He pushes off his pants and boxers and rolls on a condom and just falls into her. And as he moves with her, he feels so connected to her that it’s euphoric, but he becomes aware of another feeling he often feels when they’re having sex and he realizes in this moment that it’s a preemptive apprehension because he knows inevitably they’ll be their separate selves again. And as thrilling as the coming together is, the coming apart leaves him with a feeling of emptiness.

Afterwards, they are cuddled together and Lara Jean is stroking his hair.

“Are you going home for Thanksgiving?” Peter asks.

“Yes.Are you?”

“Yeah.Do you have the whole week off from school?”

“I do, but I’m going to wait for you to leave.Are we driving or flying?”

He grins.“Whatever you want.Will you come by and say hi to my mom and Owen that weekend?”

“Sure, but you’ll have to come by my house, too.Margot and Ravi won’t be there, but I think Kitty’s bringing her girlfriend.”She gasps, “Oh yeah, I forgot!Are you ready for your next surprise?”

“Bring it on, Covey,” He laughs.

“It’s actually for tomorrow.”

“Wait, we have plans tomorrow morning.We’re going to The Mount.”

“Where?”

“Edith Wharton’s estate.”

“Peter…,” her voice is thick.

“Yeah?”

“I love you.”

“I love you, too.I’m so in love with you.”


	7. Thanksgiving

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He gets her bags and walks her to the front door and kisses her, and she sighs and slides her tongue in his mouth, and he puts his hands around her waist and lifts her up. Neither of them notice the door open.
> 
> “Ugh. You guys need to get a room.” a voice snarks. And they turn and see Kitty’s pretty face peering out.
> 
> Peter laughs and sets Lara Jean down. “I don’t think I’ve seen you since you came over for one of Owen’s birthday parties. I think that one was Star Wars themed.”
> 
> “And I don’t think I’ve seen you since that time you were staring at my sister so hard at Corner Cafe that you spilled your milkshake all over the table.”
> 
> His jaw drops and then he bursts out laughing. She’s something else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kitty and Adler friends make an appearance! 
> 
> Thanks so much for reading.

**Thanksgiving**

They can’t leave until Wednesday evening because Peter is slammed at work.They decided to drive to avoid potential flight delays.He picks up the car on the way home from work, and meets Lara Jean at the brownstone.

He double parks and rushes up to get the bags. 

“Come on Covey!We won’t get there until midnight at this rate!”

She comes down the stairs and pouts.“Why hello to you, too.It’s so nice to see you.”

“I’m sorry.Hi there” and he cups her face and gives her a quick kiss.“The car’s double parked.”

“You know, we’re not going to be sleeping in the same bed, not even the same house, for the next four nights.I was just thinking about how much I’m going to miss not being with you.”

“I’ll go find parking.Get your clothes off,”He rushes back out.

As soon as he gets through the front door, he starts unbuckling his belt and pushing down his pants, and she’s giggling watching him.He moves her against the door, and kneels down and presses one leg up against the door and puts his mouth on her.She’s breathing hard and as she gets wetter, she moans.He looks up and sees her with her eyes closed, lips parted, and she is so sexy and beautiful that he can’t take it.He sits down on the floor and brings her to his lap while leaning against the door.“Can you be on top?I want to look at you.”She nods and he gets the condom on, and then she guides him in and she rides him.He keeps his eyes on her face until they come, and then he brings her to his chest and holds her tight.Sometimes he can’t believe this is his life.

When they finally get to the Covey house, Peter starts to feel a little sad that they’ll be apart.“You’re coming over for dessert tomorrow, right?”She smiles and touches his cheek.“Yeah.”He asks, “Where’s your window?” She points it out and he grins.“Perfect location for late night visitors.”She laughs. 

He gets her bags and walks her to the front door and kisses her, and she sighs and slides her tongue in his mouth, and he puts his hands around her waist and lifts her up.Neither of them notice the door open.

“Ugh. You guys need to get a room.” a voice snarks.And they turn and see Kitty’s pretty face peering out.

Peter laughs and sets Lara Jean down.“I don’t think I’ve seen you since you came over for one of Owen’s birthday parties.I think that one was Star Wars themed.”

“And I don’t think I’ve seen you since that time you were staring at my sister so hard at Corner Cafe that you spilled your milkshake all over the table.”

His jaw drops and then he bursts out laughing.She’s something else.And then he turns to Lara Jean.“See, that’s what we call silent attention.”

“Oh, I’ve missed you so much!You look great.” Lara Jean reaches up and gives Kitty a tight hug and kisses her cheek.Peter smiles at them with soft eyes.Sweet Lara Jean.So tiny that her little sister dwarfs her, but so full of heart and in love with her family.“Ew, I feel like I’m making out with Peter now!That’s not cool.Come on, I’m gay!Lara Jean, get off of me.”

Peter guffaws.

Lara Jean sighs.“Kitty, be nice! Is Sarah here?"

“She’s passed out on the sofa.After Dad and Trina went to bed, we polished off a bottle of wine.”

“Hey, it’s late.I better get going.It’s nice to see you again Miss Kitty.Have a good night,” He says.And then he gives Lara Jean a nose nuzzle and kisses her again.“Sweet dreams, Covey.” And he walks backwards on the walkway until Kitty rolls her eyes and shuts the door.

* * *

He sleeps in on Thanksgiving and when he gets up, he goes for a long run.He wants to get it out of the way before everyone arrives.Owen’s due to get in at noon, and his uncle’s family and his grandmother will be coming for dinner.He’s a little nervous about Lara Jean meeting everyone at once.He knows they’ll all love her, but he thinks it could be overwhelming for her.

His mom is drinking coffee when he comes home.He gives her a kiss on the cheek.“You look happy,” she smiles.“I am,” he says.“What are you planning for dessert tonight?I want to make sure there’s something for Lara Jean.”She rolls her eyes.“You are really out of control,” she laughs.“I can’t wait to see her.Does she like pumpkin or apple pie?I can also make something else if she’s more of a chocolate girl.”He hugs her and says, “she loves apple pie.”

Peter: Can I come over for a quick good morning?I’ll bring you coffee.

Covey: Yes please. 

When she opens the door, she has flour on her face, and Peter laughs.She throws her arms around him and says, “let’s sit on the side porch.”He smiles and brushes the flour off her face with his thumbs.“Where are your dad and Trina?Shouldn’t I at least say hi?” 

“They’re out with the dogs on a walk.” She says.

“Hey, I really missed you last night.And this morning.It’s hard not seeing your grumpy face first thing in the morning,” he says.

She laughs. “And I really missed hearing the huge racket you make for your protein shake.”

He pulls her over for a hug and says, “I really did miss you.” He kisses her.“I’ll pick you up around 8 tonight for dessert, okay?”

“You don’t have to pick me up.I can drive over.”

“No, I want to bring you so we can go in together.”

And she smiles at him so tenderly that Peter has to reach his hand out and stroke her face. 

* * *

Peter rings the doorbell to pick Lara Jean up. 

“Peter Kavinsky, look at you!It’s good to see you,” Dr. Covey smiles warmly and offers his hand.

Peter shakes hands and smiles, “Happy Thanksgiving, Dr. Covey.I’m looking forward to seeing you tomorrow for dinner.”

Lara Jean comes downstairs, and he knows he’s staring again.She’s wearing a red coat and tall suede boots with zippers up the back.Her hair is pulled back from her face and she’s giving one of her dimpled smiles.Peter can’t look away from her.

“Bye Dad!” and she closes the door.

“Hey,” and she pulls him close and gives him a quick kiss.“What’s up?”

“Huh? Nothing,” and he circles his arm around her and opens the car door for her.“You look amazing.And I want to see you in those boots later.Did you pack that Agent Provacateur ensemble?Because I want to see you in that with those.” 

She laughs.“Stop thinking dirty thoughts.Why would I pack that for Thanksgiving with my family?We’re _both_ staying with our parents, by the way.And we’re on the way to eat dessert with your family, including your grandmother!Let’s get going.”

Peter’s mom opens the door before they get to the front step and makes a fuss over Lara Jean.She says, “I remember you winning that academic award in high school.You are even more beautiful now.”Lara Jean blushes, “Thanks.”They introduce her to the whole family. Owen gives her a shy smile,his grandmother hugs her, and Lara Jean exclaims when she sees the apple pie, making his mom smile wide. Peter sits as close to her as he can and looks proudly around him. She then hands over a bag with a bottle of good wine and a box of La Maison du Chocolat truffles.He knows she must have spent a fortune on those.As a grad student she’s on a small stipend, and while she lucked out with the house sitting gig that’s only going to last until Christmas. He’s touched that she would do this for his mom, and he takes her hand and brushes his lips against her fingers.He doesn’t notice the pointed looks his family is exchanging.

After dessert they say their goodbyes, and Peter groans as they walk back to the car.“I can’t spend another night without you.Can you just stay here tonight?My mom won’t care.”

“Are you crazy?She’s going to think I’m some hussy.She just met me today!”

“Technically, she’s known you for years.”

She rolls her eyes.

He opens the door for her, “Come on, let’s get in the car and make out.”

When he gets home, his mom is sitting in the living room.“Thanks for dessert.She had a good time.I’ll clean up whatever’s left in the kitchen,” he says, giving her a quick hug. 

“It’s all done.Owen and your cousins finished up,” she says, tousling his hair.“She’s really sweet, Peter.I’m glad you brought her over.”

“Me, too.”

* * *

On Friday, after dinner with the Coveys, Peter and Laura Jean have plans to meet some high school friends at a bar. 

The bar is crowded and it feels a bit like an Adler High reunion.Chris and Lucas immediately swarm Lara Jean and pull her to a table in the back.Chris yells, “PK, get us two IPAs and a glass of Malbec for LJ.”He salutes her and tries to flag down the bartender.

"Kavinsky!” He looks over and sees Greg and Trevor and some of lacrosse guys. 

“Hey!I’m going to get these drinks over to Lara Jean’s table. I’ll be back.”

“Here you go,” he puts the drinks on the table and nuzzles Lara Jean’s hair.“Are you having fun?” he kisses her on the forehead and rubs her shoulders.

Chris and Lucas are making obscene gestures and laughing hysterically. “Jesus, Peter, keep it in your pants!” Chris exclaims.Peter laughs and sees Trevor and Greg approaching the table. 

“We knew you wouldn’t make your way back to us.What the fuck is going on with you?You’ve been MIA,” says Trevor.

“I told you man, it’s Lara Jean,” says Greg.“Look at him.”

Peter shrugs and grins.

“What?Hey, I’m not Peter’s warden.He’s free to socialize,” Lara Jean laughs. 

Lucas snickers.“You know, LJ was always pretty oblivious to guys back in high school.I swear, I thought Peter’s eyes were going burn a hole into her skull in chemistry class sometimes.That memory came back to me at Greg’s wedding.Were you even blinking when you were looking at her up by the chuppah?It was intense.”

“Probably not,” Peter’s still grinning. 

“Hey, I’m not that oblivious.I knew he was interested at the wedding,” she says.

“Congratulations. The whole wedding knew.He was following you around like a puppy, “ Lucas says. And Chris chimes in, “God, LJ, I wasn’t even at the wedding, but I remember Peter looking at you when you wore those vintage boots in high school.”Lara Jean is shaking her head and laughing.“No way!”

Peter says to Greg and Trevor, “Let’s go play darts.I’m starting to feel emasculated.”

Lara Jean is deep in thought and then turns to them and says seriously, “Wait, have you guys noticed that there is no female equivalent to the word “emasculate”?It really shows how patriarchal our society is,” and the whole table erupts with laughter.“What? It’s true!” she exclaims.God, he loves this girl.

“Same old LJ.I missed your face so much,” Chris says, pinching her cheeks.

Peter turns to Lara Jean with soft eyes and says “Come get me if you need a drink,” and nuzzles her nose and Chris snorts so hard that she spits out her beer.


	8. Your Hand in Mine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She giggles. “Your college experience was probably so different from mine.”
> 
> Yes, it was. She was busy being loved and loving John in college. Although there is no jealousy when he thinks of John now - he almost pities him because he can understand his heartbreak, there’s still a sense of unease. He recognizes that at some level he gets to reap the benefits of Lara Jean’s experience with him - she’s who she is now partially due to her their relationship. But he knows that John was this pivotal force in her life at a formative time, and there is this connection that will always be there. He knows how fully she loves and gives, and while a part of that is innate, he knows that John had a hand in cultivating it, and more importantly, that she shared it with him. Suddenly, he’s hit with a sense of yearning for college Lara Jean because he’ll never really know her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your Hand in Mine, Explosions in the Sky
> 
> Thanks so much for reading. I love your comments!

**Your Hand in Mine**

Right before Christmas, Lara Jean moves into Peter’s apartment in Chelsea, and while it’s a definite downgrade from the brownstone in some ways - it’s tiny, there’s no dishwasher and no outdoor space, and it’s farther from school and her favorite museums - it’s sunny and cozy and close to the market and art galleries. And it feels more like their own space and that makes them happy.Peter emptied half of his closet and half of his dresser, but they soon find that she still needs a lot more space for her clothes and shoes, so they make a hellish trip to Ikea and suffer the crowds and lines to get her an armoire.Building it takes hours and it’s a piece of shit, but it’s finally up, and Lara Jean is so happy and appreciative about it that Peter stops grumbling and offers to get her some shoe racks.

It’s late in January when Lara Jean finishes her dissertation.Peter spends hours trying to find a place that has peonies, her favorite flowers.She still has to get preliminary feedback from her advisor and get through her dissertation defense, but she has worked so hard to get to this point and it feels like a huge milestone, so he wants to celebrate.

He finally finds a florist that has peonies, and he makes an order and makes sure that it will be ready in time for dinner.

He’s meeting her at their go to sushi place near school, and at the last minute, he decides to take the longer route and walk by the brownstone.It’s not that long ago that they lived there, but it was so magical that he sometimes feels like he imagined their time there.He’s wistful for that time already. 

He’s at the restaurant waiting for her, and realizes he didn’t get a card.He finds an old receipt in his wallet and quickly scribbles “Good job” on it and folds it in half and then draws a heart and writes “Lara Jean” on the front and stuffs it in the bouquet.A little later, he feels her arms around his neck and her hair is tickling his face.“Hey there,” he gets up and gives her a kiss and hands her the flowers.“Congratulations.”

“Oh my god!These are gorgeous.Thank you,” she looks into the bouquet and opens the note and smiles at him and then sticks it carefully in her bag.Then she looks more closely at the flowers and says,“Did you notice that these have yellow centers?I wonder what varietal these are.These can’t be Reine Hortenses,” She pulls out her phone.

Peter bursts out laughing.“God Covey, maybe you should start studying horticulture instead of looking for positions in Lit!”

“Don’t make fun of my nerdiness!” She’s laughing, too.

“I love your nerdiness.That’s one of my favorite things about you.”

“Do you want to go out tomorrow night?Cath, Jake, and some of the postdocs want to go out,” Lara Jean asks.

“I have to work late.If the timing works out, I’ll try to stop by.”

They finish up, and Lara Jean turns to Peter when they’re outside of the restaurant, “I’ve been thinking that I’m ready to do something with you that I’ve never done before.”

“I’m in! Let’s do it.”

“Come on!Don’t you even want to know what it is?”

“You know that I want to do everything with you.”Peter’s eyes are soft.

Lara Jean smiles and takes a little breath.In a hushed voice she says, “I don’t want to use condoms anymore.” _What?_ “I’ve been on birth control forever, and I’m responsible about taking it.I’m not worried about getting pregnant.Let’s just both get tested to be absolutely sure we’re both okay first, okay?That is, only if-“

“I’ll get tested tomorrow if I can,” and he’s grinning so wide his cheeks hurt.“And I haven’t done that before with anyone either.”Not that he minds using condoms, but he is thrilled that Lara Jean feels that there is a quality of permanence and uniqueness in their relationship, and that he is the first for her in this. They have been moving at breakneck speed and he worries that their pace bothers her, and he is careful not to ask for too much because he doesn’t want to scare her.He’s so fucking sure about her, and when it comes to anything that brings them closer, he’s ready.And this is something that proves to him that she is jumping off with him, and he thinks she understands how much it means to him, and he loves her for it.

He pulls her close and takes her bag. “Let’s go home. We still have a full box of condoms.We can’t letthem to go to waste.”

* * *

It’s almost midnight and he’s just finishing up at work.Lara Jean is still at the bar with her friends, and he leaves to meet them.

It’s so crowded, and he can’t see her.Then he spots her standing next to Cath, and there’s a guy he doesn’t recognize talking to them.As he gets closer, he sees that she and Cath are turning away, and then the guy tosses his beer towards the back of Lara Jean’s head.

WHAT THE FUCK. “ ** _Hey, what the fuck is wrong with you?_** ” he yells, moving in front of Lara Jean.

The guy is wasted.He’s belligerent and his friends are pulling him away.One his friends turns to Lara Jean and says with wide bleary eyes, “I am so sorry.Are you okay?I don’t know what’s wrong with him.We’re getting him out of here.I’m sorry.Can I get you anything?”

“Fuck you!Don’t talk to her! Get the fuck away from her.Your friend’s a fucking animal.” Peter stands tall and glares at him.

“Hey, stop,” she says to Peter, grabbing his hand and pulling him towards her.And then she turns to the guy, “I’m okay.Thanks for checking.”Lara Jean pulls Peter away and looks at him.“Peter, I’m fine. Let’s get out of here.”

They find their other friends with Cath and say quick goodbyes and wait for the group of guys to leave before they head out.He feels the tension in her back, but she’s calm.

When the get outside, she turns to him and says, her voice quavering, “I know that you got angry seeing that, but that kind of stuff happens a lot. Well not the beer throwing, but guys getting drunk and hitting on girls at bars and acting disrespectfully.You know that, right?It’s not acceptable how he behaved, but honestly, you getting so mad at his friend when he was trying to do the right thing could have escalated the situation.”

“That wouldn’t have made things better for me.There was a group of them and they were all drunk and could have easily started a fight with you.I am scared enough and really upset, and in that situation, I don’t want to have to worry about you, too.” She sounds like she’s making an effort to not cry. 

He puts his arms around her.“Hey, I’m sorry.I don’t want you to have to worry about me and I didn’t think about that.In the moment, I just - I was so pissed.That was so fucked up!What an asshole!Who does that?I’m still pissed.” Then he notices she’s shivering.“Wait, are you cold?Shit, your hair is all fucking wet!What the fuck!That asshole got beer all over your hair! This is bullshit!” He takes off his coat and wraps it around her. “Let’s get an Uber.I don’t want you out in this weather.This is bullshit.”He gets his phone out and orders the car, and then he looks at her, and he says in a softer voice, “I’m sorry that this all happened.Are you okay?The car’s coming in two minutes.Are you still cold? I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry,” he pulls her close.“You don’t have to be sorry.I’m okay,” she says, but she looks shaken, and then she starts to cry.He feels so bad and he doesn’t know what to do, so he pulls her closer and kisses the top of her head and rubs her back, and when he feels a wave of rage when the smell of beer from her hair hits his nose, he clenches his fists and tries to suppress it.

When they get home, he runs her a hot bath.He remembers her telling about her mom’s night night tea and tries to make it.He’s relieved when she finally smiles when he suggests they watch _Little Women,_ which she has been trying to convince him to watch with her.They fall asleep watching the movie, his long body curled around hers with his arm curving around so that his hand can cradle the side of her face.

* * *

It’s freezing again.It’s sleeting, and the city seems like it’s covered with gray piles of wet slush that splash onto his pants when he walks.Peter can’t wait to get home.He’s hoping to convince Lara Jean to snuggle him under a warm blanket while he watches basketball after dinner.When he opens the door, he sees her on the sofa reading.She looks up and smiles, “Hey.” She has wet hair and she’s already wearing her favorite robe.He leans down and kisses her. “You look cozy,” he says. “I went to yoga so I had to shower.Want dinner?”He feels the warmth radiating from her body and her robe is so soft and he leans back and pulls her on top of him.“Warm me up first.I’m freezing.” 

She laughs and gives him a kiss.When she tries to pull away, he brings her head back to his, and he gives her a deeper kiss and pulls her bottom lip with his teeth and gives it a little bite.She makes a tiny sound from the back of her throat, and when he does it again, she gasps. He runs his hands down her backside and he can feel her push into him. When they stop kissing to take a breath, he pulls off her robe and can see her nipples hard through the thin fabric of her camisole, and he sucks them over the material.She’s moaning now, and pulls down his pants and starts rubbing him outside his boxers. He groans and feels around for his pants to get a condom.“What are you doing?Remember, our results came back.We’re fine.”

His eyes get big, but he doesn’t say anything and she smirks and pushes down his boxers. And when she guides him in, he groans loudly and his hips jerk.It feels so soft and wet and warm and he’s losing his mind. “I’m not going to last,” he pants.He brings his hand to her and starts rubbing her clit, and she starts moving her hips faster and moaning.He turns her body against the back of the sofa and starts thrusting harder and faster, and she begs him not to stop and then she cries out as she comes and when he pushes in again, he comes so hard that tremors run through his body, and he buries his face in her neck.She rubs his back, and he feels so close to her and so in love, and so sure of her in so many ways, and he needs her to know.

He’s still breathing hard when he says, “I’m not planning on doing this with anyone else, ever.”Her eyes get misty, and she says “Me, too.” 

They lie there for a moment and then he gives her a kiss and says, “Can we eat and then snuggle while I watch basketball?”

“Ugh, no thank you to the basketball.”

“Come on!I basically told you I want to be with you for the rest of my life and you won’t watch one basketball game with me?” He ruffles her hair.“You’re a player Covey.”

“Peter!I don’t like sports.You know that about me.You’re such a natural athlete and lacrossewas such a huge part of your life that you probably can’t understand how I can be so disinterested.”

“It’s not like I was some jock.I didn’t even rush a frat.I went to parties and did my share of dumb stuff, but it wasn’t like I was this lax bro.”

She giggles.“Your college experience was probably so different from mine.”

Yes, it was.She was busy being loved by and loving John in college.Although there is no jealousy when he thinks of John now - he almost pities him because he can understand his heartbreak, there’s still a sense of unease. He recognizes that at some level he gets to reap the benefits of Lara Jean’s experience with him - she’s who she is now partially due to her their relationship.But he knows that John was this pivotal force in her life at a formative time, and there is this connection that will always be there.He knows how fully she loves and gives, and while a part of that is innate, he knows that John had a hand in cultivating it, and more importantly, that she shared it with him.Suddenly, he’s hit with a sense of yearning for college Lara Jean because he’ll never really know her.

Lara Jean is looking closely at his face.“Hey, I’m just teasing you.Peter, I understand you’re nuanced.You maybe carried the facade of a fun-loving over confident athlete partier, but I know that even then you were a sweet, sensitive soul.I don’t know anyone who loves as openly as you do.It’s a real gift,” she says looking at his eyes. “You know how much I love who you are, right?”

His thoughts are quieted.“Yeah I know.I love who you are, too,” he says as he runs a hand through her hair.He pauses and then asks, “Do you love me enough to eat dinner on the couch and watch basketball?”

She tosses a throw pillow at him.“Fine!You win!But you owe me a John Hughes marathon night.”

“Lara Jean, I’d be happy to do that with you anytime you’d like.Do you see how graciously I accepted your invitation?Covey, I think you need to learn some manners.”

“God, remember the first few days of our relationship when you hardly talked?Sometimes I get a little nostalgic for that time.”

“Stop being mean!” And he grabs her and starts tickling her waist.He picks her up as she squeals and takes her to the kitchen.“Let’s get our dinner started.I want all basketball-themed foods. What do we have that’s orange and black?”She rolls her eyes, laughing, and starts rummaging in the refrigerator. 


	9. The Wolves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His phone starts buzzing, and he turns it off and keeps walking. He thinks about his relationship with Lara Jean. He’s been so sure about her all along, and it kills him that she doesn’t feel the same way. That there’s a part of her that thinks that she could go on without him. Because he never sees his life without her. Even the thought of it is so bleak and depressing that he instantly gets a punched feeling in his gut and a sour taste in his mouth. 
> 
> It’s getting dark and he finally stops walking. He finds himself looking at the brownstone, and he feels lost and untethered and there is a huge lump at the back of his throat that makes him feel like a deserted child again. She doesn’t need me like I need her. And this revelation hurts so much that it takes his breath away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Wolves (Act I and II), Bon Iver  
> Solace my game, it stars you  
> Swing wide your crane  
> Swing wide your cane and run me through
> 
> ______________________
> 
> Thanks so much for reading. I love reading your comments and hearing your thoughts.

**The Wolves**

Lara Jean’s dissertation defense is in a week, and she’s nervous and quiet.Peter tries to be supportive, but he is worried about her.He knows how hard she’s been working for this, and he notices her eating less and tossing and turning at night, and her face looks pale and pinched.Her clothes are loose on her, and he knows this is just temporary, but he’s impatient to get this over with so she can get back to her normal self.

Per the university rules, only Lara Jean and her committee will be present for the defense.Peter wanted to plan something bigger for afterwards, but Lara Jean begged him to not make any plans.

When the day finally arrives, she wakes up pale and wan and Peter is so worried that he makes her call her dad to come over early from the hotel to check on her.When Dr. Covey comes over, he takes a look at Peter and chuckles.“You’re new to LJ’s extreme stress out crazy stage, aren’t you?You should have seen her before the SATs and the GREs, too!Oh, and she fainted before her drivers license test!”Peter forces a smile.Dr. Covey looks her over and grasps her shoulders and says, “All good.Peter, can you just get her a smoothie or something?She needs some calories before we get going.”

“See Peter?I’m fine!” Lara Jean smiles at him.

“Ok, good.” He’s relieved. “I’ll go make you a smoothie.”

* * *

Peter and Lara Jean’s family wait in the hall for Lara Jean to come out of the evaluation.When she comes out, she sits down with a sigh.Peter sits next to Lara Jean, holding her hand, and his heart is in his throat.Neither of them say anything. Kitty looks at the two of them and says, “You guys look like you’re waiting for your prison sentence,” and she hands Lara Jean a bottle of water.“Peter, get it together!You can’t act like this every time she spirals down this rabbit hole.” Peter can’t even smile.His stomach is in knots. 

They call her back, and Peter groans inwardly.Why does this process have to be so fucking dramatic!He can’t take it. 

The door finally opens again, and she comes out with a dimpled grin and says “Pass!”Peter whoops and swings her around.Her family cheers and her dad cries and they head out together.“I’m starving!” Lara Jean exclaims. Peter laughs and throws his arms around her again.

Later that night, Peter says, “I’m so proud of you, _Dr._ Covey.”

She smiles.“Thanks.I’m sorry that you got worried about my stressed out state.”

“Were you stressed?I didn’t notice.,” he jokes.

“Give me a break! You were so stressed out over me being stressed out!” And she reaches out and hugs him.

“Yeah, Kitty told me I needed to work on that.”

Lara Jean laughs.“Didn’t she look so grown up today?She’s so beautiful.And she’s super smart, too. It’s crazy looking at her now, all grown up and just such force!When we were Skyping with Margot earlier, I was looking at both of their faces and I just felt so overwhelmed by how beautiful and smart and funny they both are.”

Peter shakes his head.She just accomplished something she’s spent years working towards, and she’s already moved past that and is gushing about her sisters.Peter smiles at her and says, “Want to take Kitty and Sarah out tonight?We can take them to get drinks at that David Bowie place in Crown Heights.”

“Really?”She squeals as she starts texting Kitty, and he makes a mental note to call Owen tomorrow.

Kitty: Okay, sounds good.Peter’s paying, right?

* * *

It’s a hot June, and Peter is loving it.Lara Jean’s wardrobe consists of halter tops and high-waisted shorts and pretty sundresses, and he relishes seeing her smooth legs and shoulders after being bundled up during a long winter and rainy spring.They take long walks in their free time and get ice cream often and sometimes meet friends to for drinks outside.They want to be outside as much as possible.

Lara Jean has a month off before her postdoc begins, and she’s using this time to start looking for positions for the following fall. They haven’t talked much about their plans for after her postdoc ends (Lara Jean didn’t want to jinx her dissertation defense), but it’s all Peter can think about.Now that she’s really involved in her job search, he’s nervous.Some of positions are in the middle of nowhere, and he doesn’t think he’d have great job prospects in some of these places.

They are taking a walk, and when they reach the High Line, Peter notices the tension in her shoulders.“Hey, are you okay?” Lara Jean turns to Peter and says, “I am researching more opportunities and am learning more about the tenure process.At some places it takes more than six years.Tenure track can be as long as eight or nine years.It seems like such a big decision to make right now - where to be for the next nine years.” 

Peter puts an arm around her shoulder and says, “Are you worried my job?Because I was thinking that maybe I could be a consultant or something like that.I’d be gone a lot, but it wouldn’t matter where my base is.”

“What if it’s somewhere that’s harder to get to, like Lubbock or somewhere like that?I can’t imagine there are many direct flights there.And then we’d really only see each other for two days a week.That seems unsustainable.”

She looks sad. “I just don’t want to do something that will create strain on our relationship.”

“Try not to focus on the worst case scenario.You’re casting a wide net.We don’t know what what the outcome will be yet.” 

She sighs, and looks at him and Peter feels his stomach turn.“Are you considering us not staying together?Because if you are, I need to know.”

She stays quiet for a while and then says, “I’m having a lot of thoughts right now because everything is so uncertain.I’m not sure what I’m thinking -”

“I don’t even know what to say to that.I have never once considered a future without you.Never. If you think it’s going to happen, do it now because I can’t be any further in this than I am now and survive it.Fuck!I can’t even talk about this.I have to go,” and he turns and walks off.

His phone starts buzzing, and he turns it off and keeps walking.He thinks about his relationship with Lara Jean.He’s been so sure about her all along, and it kills him that she doesn’t feel the same way.That there’s a part of her that thinks that she could go on without him. Because he never sees his life without her.Even the thought of it is so bleak and depressing that he instantly gets a punched feeling in his gut and a sour taste in his mouth. 

It’s getting dark and he finally stops walking.He finds himself looking at the brownstone, and he feels lost and untethered and there is a huge lump at the back of his throat that makes him feel like a deserted child again. _She doesn’t need me like I need her_.And this revelation hurts so much that it takes his breath away.

Early in the morning he returns to the apartment and he packs a bag and leaves.He forces himself to look away when he sees Lara Jean is sitting on the floor, her knees pulled to her chest, sobbing so hard that her whole body is shaking.


	10. Brokedown Palace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Lara Jean, I love you more than anything. I love you so much it’s overwhelming and it scares me and the thought that you might end us made me insane. I couldn’t function thinking that you didn’t need me. But now I see how stupid I was being. I’m going to gain back your trust. It breaks my heart that I made you feel that way,” his voice breaks.
> 
> “I can’t go on in this relationship if you walk out when things get hard. And you didn’t just walk out. You stayed away for three nights! That’s not healthy and I don’t deserve to be treated that way. You turned your back to me when I was sobbing on the floor. You know what I was thinking at the time? This is the first time he’s seen me cry and hasn’t put his arm around me.”
> 
> His heart sinks. He looks at her sadly. “I’ll never do that again.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Brokedown Palace, Grateful Dead  
> Fare you well, fare you well  
> I love you more than words can tell  
> Listen to the river sing sweet songs  
> To rock my soul
> 
> ___________________________
> 
> Thanks so much for continuing to read! I love getting your comments.

Peter is miserable.He has been sleeping on a friend’s sofa for the past three nights, and he misses Lara Jean so much that it’s making him crazy.They haven’t talked since he left that morning, and he can’t get the image of her crying out of his head.His phone buzzes, and he reaches for it.

Kitty: LJ hasn’t answered my calls and texts for days.Are you guys alive?  
Peter: ….  
Peter: We’re alive.  
Kitty: Tell her to call me.Wait, did you fuck up?   
Peter: I’ll tell her to call you.

He’s starting to worry and he gets his stuff together quickly and leaves for home.When he gets there, it’s so quiet that he thinks she must be out.He reaches the bedroom, and he sees Lara Jean curled up under the covers.“Hey,” he says softly.She looks at him and starts weeping.“You just left me.You didn’t even give me a chance to explain what I was saying.You turned off your phone.You cut me off!Is this your way of telling me we’re done? I’ve been waiting for you to come home for days. I’ve just been waiting this whole time.You just left…” And then she puts her head in her hands and cries harder. “I never thought you would leave me.You just left.”

He hates himself.Tears smart in his eyes.“I couldn’t function thinking that you were contemplating breaking up.That was so fucking hard for me!I was destroyed by that.What _were_ you saying?Because it sounded like you thought it was going to be too hard so we shouldn’t stay together.Isn’t that it?” 

“What I was trying to tell you was that I was thinking about so many things because there are all these variables,” her voice is hoarse and shaky.“But if you had let me process and get my words out you would have learned that I was worried about our relationship being jeopardized by my career!Yes, I was thinking about us not being able to survive such a challenging situation, and I wanted to think about ways to make it easier on us!Like maybe limiting my search to certain areas.You barely let me get a coherent thought out and you left!You left me standing there and you didn’t come home for days.I can’t believe you did that!I didn’t think you were capable of it.”She looks so heartbroken and forlorn, and Peter gets on the bed and puts his arms around her.She’s still crying but doesn’t move away.

“I’m sorry.I just went crazy when I thought you were okay with the possibility of us not being together.Of course I want to be with you.So much that it makes me lose my mind.I shouldn’t have left.I fucked up.”

He notices the box of tissues on the bed and takes a few and wipes her face.“There. Please stop crying.I’m sorry. I won’t do that again.I’m an asshole.” He kisses her softly and she makes a strangled sound and puts her hands on neck and deepens the kiss.Then the familiar desire for her takes over. He moves her hair and kisses her neck and runs his tongue over her collarbone, and she pushes her body hard against his.They are both frantic and desperate for each other, and their hands and mouths everywhere.He’s already on the edge, and he needs her to feel as aroused and crazed as he does. “What do you want?I’ll do anything you want,” he pants against her stomach, sliding his hand between her legs.“Tell me what you need.I want it, too.”And she gasps when he brushes his fingers against her,“You always do everything I want,” and then her voice hitches, “I only need you.”

They’re lying together afterwards and while they’re holding each other, the mood is somber.

He realizes that his fear of her leaving him made him hurt her in an unprecedented way. _He left her._ And that realization makes him ache. He’s broken her trust in him in a profound way. 

“Peter, I’m so sad, “ and he sees the tears in her eyes.

“I know.I am, too.I’m sorry.”

“When we started dating, I did things that were so out of character for me.We lived together before we even said I love you. I had sex with you on our first date - before I even knew how you take your coffee!All of my reservations flew out the window because I had this inherent trust in you… You looked at me and acted like you really wanted me, like all of me, and I felt so safe with you right away. And as things progressed, I knew I was right in following my instincts.I had never felt so loved and so connected with anyone.But when you left, I was just in complete shock, and I started having doubts.Like maybe the things I saw in you weren’t really there.Maybe I was just seeing these things I wanted to see?Because how could you leave me if you love me so much?”

“Lara Jean, I love you more than anything.I love you so much it’s overwhelming and it scares me and the thought that you might end us made me insane.I couldn’t function thinking that you didn’t need me.But now I see how stupid I was being.I’m going to gain back your trust.It breaks my heart that I made you feel that way,” his voice breaks.

“I can’t go on in this relationship if you walk out when things get hard.And you didn’t just walk out.You stayed away for _three nights_! That’s not healthy and I don’t deserve to be treated that way.You turned your back to me when I was sobbing on the floor.You know what I was thinking at the time?This is the first time he’s seen me cry and hasn’t put his arm around me.”

His heart sinks.He looks at her sadly.“I’ll never do that again.”

* * *

Things are slowly getting back to normal although there is still a sadness between them.And the sadness makes their interactions strangely formal and stilted.Peter would give anything to take back what he did.

He tries to make an effort to plan special things for her.He has Kitty and Sarah come up for a weekend, and they spend their time doing cheesy touristy New York stuff and it ends with a hilarious night at the Starlight Diner.He takes her to the Met for a special costume exhibit, and they go out to dim sum and pupusas.But she’s quieter now and less playful.He can’t look into her eyes for too long without seeing the sadness, and it kills him.

One day after work they have plans to go to the movies, and she calls him and says she doesn’t feel up to it anymore and she’ll see him at home.He feels deflated.

When he gets home, he finds Lara Jean reading in bed.“Hey, why are you in bed already?” Lara Jean smiles at him and says “I’m just tired.Long day.” 

“Can I get you anything?”

“No, I’m okay.”She pauses and then blurts out, “Things are weird between us and I can’t stand it."

“Yeah, I know.Me, too.”He comes over to the bed and puts his head in her lap.She plays with his hair, and bends down to kiss his forehead.

“What can I do to make it better?” he asks. 

“I don’t know, but I’m tired of feeling this way.”

“I brought home a bottle of wine from that fancy place.Want to drink it and then have drunk sex? I can try and force myself to do that if it will make you feel better.”

Lara Jean laughs and swats at him. “It’s worth a try.Go get the wine.” He grins and hurries out to the kitchen.

Afterwards, Peter looks at Lara Jean and says, “I love you so much.”

“You always love me more after sex,” she giggles.

“I do, but it’s not why you think.I feel so close to you after sex.I mean,I love having sex with you because it’s hot, no - it’s actually _epic_ , but I’m addicted to it because we get closer every time.”

She gets teary, “Peter…”

“I know I fucked up.I’d do anything to take it back.”

“I know.You could never really leave me….” It’s a statement but he hears the question in her voice and his stomach drops.

His eyes are red and his voice cracks.“I hate that I did something to make you even question that. From the first date we had, all I wanted was you.I want you more than I’ve wanted anything in my life.I can’t tell you how sorry I am.” 

Lara Jean says gently, “I know how much you love me.I forgive you, Peter.I really do.I love you.”

She presses her body to him and snuggles into him and he brings her as close as he can.He takes a deep breath and tries to let go of the guilt.

Later that night, Peter texts Kitty:

Peter: I have a favor to ask you.  
Kitty: What?   
Peter: Can you come to the city for the day soon? Don’t tell your sister.It’s a surprise for her.   
Kitty: You fucked up big time, didn’t you?   
Peter: Just check your schedule, ok?I’ll send you a ticket. 

* * *

Peter takes a day off of work and spends hours with Kitty looking for the perfect ring for Lara Jean at vintage jewelers around the city.“You know, you have to call Margot and go see my dad, right?I mean, it’s not permission per se, but it’s just Covey rules of engagement.”

“Duh.”

“Hope you didn’t fuck up so badly that she says no.”

Peter blanches.“Kitty, you’re killing me.Just help me pick between these three, and I’ll take you to lunch.”

“I’m in the mood for steak frites and a martini.”

“Oh my god.Are you serious?You’re like Don Draper or something.”

“Peter, I’m impressed!Here I thought you’ve been spending all of your free time watching old footage of you playing lacrosse.Reliving your glory days.”

He hoots and pokes her.“Come on, what do you think of these?I’ll get you whatever you want for lunch.Let’s focus.It has to be perfect.”

* * *

It is the hottest August that he can remember.It seems like he and Lara Jean are the only two people left in the city.A VP at his firm gives him passes to his private club and although it’s not really their scene, Lara Jean and Peter cannot resist the temptation of a rooftop pool.

On Saturday afternoon, they head over to the club.Peter finds chaises for them while Lara Jean goes to the locker room to get changed.He goes to the bar to order drinks, and hears a man say, “Jesus.Who is that girl?I’ve never seen her here before.Is she a member?” His friend says, “Holy shit,” and gives a low whistle.And he turns to see who they’re gazing at, and of course, it’s Lara Jean.She’s wearing a one-piece, and the halter dips low so that he can see the space between her breasts, and the suit is high-cut, showing off her legs.He sees that her entire back is bare, and the way the suit accentuates her perfect skin, the dip of her waist, and just her body in general, is lethal. As usual, she’s completely unaware of all of the attention and is now engrossed in a book.

Now Peter considers himself a pretty evolved man, but he has never seen her show this much skin in public before, and it’s a little unnerving how much attention she’s getting already.Peter hurries over to her and hands her a drink.He tries to stand in front of her so he can block the view of the guys at the bar.

“Thanks!Oooh a margarita, perfect choice.”

“Aren’t you afraid of getting sunburned?Do you have a cover up?” 

“Peter, come on.You know I have SPF 100 all over.I’m fine.”

He sighs inwardly.“Your suit is killing me.I’m going to die today.I’m almost dead.”

She laughs.“Are you kidding?I’m actually feeling a little self-conscious.Cath made me buy it because she thought I had uni-boob in my other one.Do you even know what that is?I had no idea it was even a thing. It’s when -”

“Stop talking about boobs!I’m already turned on by your insane body and how you’re reading that nerdy book. Also all these men are staring at you and I want to rip their eyes out.”

Lara Jean can’t stop laughing at him.“What??You’re ridiculous. It’s getting super hot.Let’s go in the pool.”

“Wait, you’re going to get wet in that?Are you going to get your hair wet, too?”His eyes are huge.He can just imagine what kind of reception she’ll get when she comes out of the pool dripping wet.

She rolls her eyes.“I’m going in.I’ll see you later.Maybe one of my many supposed admirers will come join me if you don’t.” She smirks.

“Covey, you really are such a player!I’m buying you one of those bathing suits with a skirt on it for your birthday.It’s going to be the first turtleneck skirted bathing suit you’ve seen,” he says as he gives her a hand to help her up. 

Laughing, she gets up and they go to the pool.

Later, they are both dazed from the sun and the drinks, and they decide to go on a walk to sober up before heading home.

“You want to go to the High Line?” Peter asks.

“Nope.I kind of have PTSD from the last time, and I’ve had the perfect day so far.”

“It’s going to be great today, I promise.It won’t even be crowded because it’s so hot and the city is so empty.Please, Lara Jean?Come on, you gotta trust.”

When they get there, Peter points out buildings and the landscaping, and Lara Jean loves the new art installation, which has plants embedded in its structure.They laugh as a toddler chases a pigeon, and walk so closely together that their arms touch. 

When they get to the overlook, Peter takes selfies of them, and Lara Jean kisses his cheek in one.He looks over at her and she is smiling wide, and he knows she’s happy.All of a sudden, he turns to her and says, “Lara Jean, I promise to love you with all my heart, always,” and leans down to kiss her.

When they get home, Peter runs back out to grab take out for dinner.When he gets back with the food, he says “I have something for you,” and hands Lara Jean a small bag. She pulls out a framed picture of her kissing him earlier that day.

“I replaced our High Line memory today.This is how we’re going to remember it now, with us walking the whole way together and me making a promise to you and loving you.”


	11. Love song

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Happy Anniversary, Covey.”
> 
> “Happy Anniversary!” as she smiles into their kiss.
> 
> Lara Jean cries when he gives her her anniversary gift - a trip to London to visit Margot and Ravi when the baby is due. And he tears up when she gives him a framed picture of them laughing at Greg’s wedding. Apparently the wedding photographer captured a moment between them. He looks closely at it and he knows exactly what he was feeling in the moment - hope, awe, and anticipation - and it’s not unlike what he’s feeling tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love song, Lana Del Rey  
> The taste, the touch, the way we love  
> It all comes down to make the sound of our love song
> 
> _____________________
> 
> Can't believe we're coming to the end! I can't thank you enough for reading. I had a lot of fun writing this and imagining an adult Lara Jean and Peter relationship that reflects the chemistry and sweetness of their relationship in the movie and books. 
> 
> I'm still finishing up the final chapter, so any feedback and ideas are welcome. I always love to read your comments.

**Love song**

Their anniversary falls on an unseasonably cool day in September.Peter made reservations at the bistro near the brownstone, and Lara Jean is meeting him there after her office hours.

He asks the host for the table they sat at on their first date, and as he sits, he reflects on his year with Lara Jean.It started with an unrequited crush and turned into the deepest love of his life.The night they first ate at this bistro was the start of an unpredictable and improbable journey.They’ve dated for a year, lived together for a year, and as he reflects on it, his heart is full.He knew that first night that they belonged together.He hears the door open and turns around and grins at her.She’s rushing in, dimples out, and he gets up and picks her up and kisses her.He knows he’s making a scene, and the other diners are staring, but who the fuck cares?“Happy Anniversary, Covey.”

“Happy Anniversary!” as she smiles into their kiss.

Lara Jean cries when he gives her her anniversary gift - a trip to London to visit Margot and Ravi when the baby is due.And he tears up when she gives him a framed picture of them laughing at Greg’s wedding.Apparently the wedding photographer captured a moment between them.He looks closely at it and he knows exactly what he was feeling in the moment - hope, awe, and anticipation - and it’s not unlike what he’s feeling tonight.

She turns to him after the server brings their food.“By the way I’ve been wondering… Do you like my boots?”He looks down and sees that she’s wearing the tall suede boots with the zippers up the back.“You know I love those boots.You don’t wear them enough.”

“I have a surprise for you,” she says softly.“Do you want to know what it is?” He looks at her and smiles, “Always.” She doesn’t break eye contact. “Remember what you wanted me to wear with these boots at Thanksgiving?”Peter swallows hard, and his eyes are big.“Covey, you are the biggest brat.Hurry up, eat your dinner.And you should know - I”m eating my dessert at home.”She blushes and giggles as he starts scarfing down his food.

They leave the restaurant holding hands, and as they walk by the brownstone, Peter stops.“Lara Jean?”She turns to him with a bright smile that reaches her eyes and her hair is blowing in the breeze.

He’s on one knee holding out a ring, and he has prepared so much to tell her.He wants her to know everything that he’s been thinking and feeling this year, but he’s realizing that the words he has memorized aren’t enough.His voice is shaking, “I’ll never be able to tell you everything I feel about you and how much our love means to me.Will you marry me?”

Her eyes are wide and brimming with tears.“Yes,” she whispers.And she bends down to kiss him, and he’s also crying and he pulls her down to him and she squeals while falling onto his lap and they laugh as he puts the ring on her finger.

* * *

Lara Jean has been on interviews for positions in Philadelphia and Austin, and she’s awaiting news of an offer.She’s pale again and not eating to the point her cheeks look hollow. Peter can’t help but get anxious. He hates how wan she’s been looking, and he’s thinking about what food he could pick up after work that would tempt her.He decides to get Thai and he hurries home with the food.

When he opens the door, Lara Jean jumps into his arms and says, “I just heard from Bryn Mawr!We’re going to Philly!”He twirls her around and kisses her and says, “Congratulations!I’m so proud of you, Covey.I was secretly hoping for Philly.Can you please eat something now?”

She laughs and says, “I’m actually super hungry.What did you bring?”

After they eat and Zoom with her family to tell them the news, she turns to Peter and says, “Thanks for being so sweet about this process.I couldn’t have done it without you. I mean that in an emotionally supportive way but also literally, too.I know how generous you are with me - you basically feed and house me .” 

“Covey, stop,” Peter interrupts.

“But I do feel grateful.You’ve been helping me since we first got together.I just want you to know I never expected you to do that, and I never take it for granted.”

“Of course I know that!”

“I’ve had the best life with you this past year,” she says, tearing up. 

“Me, too.”

“Anyway, I’ve been saving up and I am taking you somewhere for a long weekend in October.”

“What?I don’t want you to spend your money on me!Come on!I feel bad.”

“No I want to.Will you just please accept it?It’s my gift to you.”

Peter is overwhelmed.Her postdoc stipend is minimal, especially by New York standards, and he knows she stretches it by insisting on contributing to rent and other shared expenses.

“Don’t worry, I’ll still drive.”

“We’re not driving.We’re flying!We’re going to Miami!” She looks so proud of herself that he has to smile.

“Whoah, Covey, are you going high roller on me?I can get used to this.”

They’re both in heaven when they get to their hotel.It’s on Collins Avenue right by the ocean.There are multiple pools and it’s close to restaurants - it’s perfect. He can’t wait to relax in the sun with Lara Jean.

When they get to their room, Peter stretches out in an armchair, and Lara Jean comes and sits in his lap. She gives him a small smile that he recognizes and instantly gets turned on by, and then she sucks a little on his earlobe, and murmurs in his ear, “I have a few surprises for you.”He’s embarrassed by his whimper.

“Are you ready?”He nods, wide eyed.

“Let’s get in our suits and go to the pool first, and then I’ll give you your first surprise.”

He gets up and starts rummaging in his bag for his trunks.He wordlessly puts them on, and when he turns around, he sees that she’s in her suit, and he watches her as she finds the sunscreen and their sunglasses. 

She looks at him and giggles.“Is this silent attention again?”He looks at her, and she jokes, “Don’t worry, Peter.You won’t be quiet for long.You’re going to be begging me for real attention later.”He can feel his neck get hot.

“Covey, you’re wrecking me.I can’t go downstairs like this.Look at me.”His voice is rough and he gestures towards the front of his trunks.“I’m ready to beg now.What do you want me to beg for first?” 

She looks at him in surprise.“Peter, come on.I’m just teasing you!”He moves towards her and runs his hand down her bare back.“You’re going to kill me in this thing.”She shivers as he licks down her spine to the curve of her waistline. He says quietly, with his mouth pressed against her skin, “I don’t mind begging.Actually, I’ll probably like it.” 

She doesn’t answer but she kisses his chest and swipes her tongue across his stomach, and he lets out a shaky breath.She nibbles and sucks the skin above his waistband.And then she stops and looks at him. She’s driving him wild.His eyes are big and dark and he says in a hoarse voice, “Can you please take off your suit?” And she takes it off and shakes out her hair.When she comes closer and he runs his hands down her body, and he feels her tense up.He palms her backside and brings her forward so their bodies are touching.“Now can I feel how ready you are for me?” and she shakes her head, smirking.“You said you were going to beg.”And she pulls down his waistband and teases her tongue on his tip.He’s panting, “Ah…Fuck…. Please Lara Jean?Can I feel you?Right now, please?”And she nods and he moves his hands up the inside of her thigh and when he feels how wet she is, she gasps and he exhales loudly and moans.And then she moves his hand away and kneels down to rests her mouth on him, and he knows he’s going to lose his mind if this goes any further.“Can I… _shit, Lara Jean_ …Can I kiss you?Uh, please?” When she moves her face up to him, he walks her back to the bed and lies down on top of her.He kisses her hard.They start pushing their tongues into each other’s mouths, their breathing is labored. Abruptly, she pulls away and slides out from beneath him and looks at him.He growls, stuffs his head in a pillow and she chuckles.She leans her body on top of his and starts kissing his back and his hips jerk involuntarily into the bed.Then she moves up and kisses under the back of his ear and he feels her breasts on his back while her hot breath teases his ear.He’s trembling with his fists clenched.Heswallows hard and long before he speaks, and when he finally manages to talk, his voice is low and strangled.“Lara Jean, I really need to be inside you.I can’t take this anymore.I really can’t.Please, can I?”And she gets off his back and nods at him, smiling a little,and he pins her down on the bed and slides into her, finally getting explosive release when they come.

“Hey, what the fuck was that?” He pokes her beneath the ribs, still trying to catch his breath.

Lara Jean laughs.“You said you wanted to beg!”

“That was hot, but fuck, I’m scared of you.Jesus.I feel like I got a lobotomy."

“You asked for it.This weekend is all about you, remember?” she says, giggling.

Peter laughs and pulls her to his chest.

“Are you really going to wear that suit to the pool or did you put that on to mess with me?”

“Peter, it’s my bathing suit!Well, I did bring a new one, too, but that’s part of one of my surprises.”

He groans.“I’m going to die on this trip. I should start digging my grave here.But remember, I want a green burial.Just put me in a burlap sack and roll me in.”

“God, you are so morbid!And how exactly am I going to get you into the burlap sack?”She’s laughing.

“Let’s make a list of my friends who are in the best shape.They can be the sack bearers.Owen’s been slacking off, so he might not make the cut.”

Lara Jean snickers.“You are really twisted sometimes.”

“Are you kidding me?You’re the twisted one.You’re the one trying to kill me with your swimsuits and the surprises.Oh and let’s not forget the crazy beg sex.”

She’s quiet.Peter can tell she’s thinking about something.“What’s up, Lara Jean?"

“Have you noticed all the Latin inspired art around here?I just remembered that I have this retrospective on Frida Kahlo downloaded on the iPad that I’m dying to read.Can we go to the pool now so I can get started on it?”

“Seriously, Covey?You gave me the weirdest mind fuck sex I’ve ever had, and now you’re already onto Frida Kahlo?” He howls with laughter.

* * *

When they first start wedding planning, Lara Jean spends hours on Pinterest and the internet researching. On weekends, they go to the High Line Hotel or Citizens, and she’ll show him all of the ideas she’s collected while they eat breakfast.

“Peter, look at this bouquet!Isn’t it beautiful?” she shows him her phone.

“It’s gorgeous.I love it.Let’s show the florist.”

“Oh, no, it’s not for me.I thought it would be perfect for Kitty and Sarah.”

“Lara Jean, they’re not even engaged.Why are you looking for wedding flowers for them?”

“I’m finding all these beautiful things that would be perfect for them and also for Margot and Trina.”

“Are you serious?You’re looking at things for people who are already married, too?”He sighs.“We don’t have a ton of time.Do you want to get a planner or just do a small family wedding?”

“No!I’m loving looking at all this stuff.I just get distracted sometimes.”

“I wish you would let me help you.”

“No offense, but I feel like you should be a passive participant.”

“That’s the kind of participant I’d like to be, but at this rate, we’ll be getting married post menopause.”

“Hey!” She gives him a dirty look and then sighs. “I don’t know.Everything seems like it’s too much.I’m uncomfortable making such a big deal about myself.”

“I know.I get it.Let’s get someone to help you narrow down the choices.We don’t have to hire someone. I know you don’t want to do that. Just choose one of your sisters or a friend.”

“I think I’ll ask your mom.”

“She would love that.She’ll do anything to help you.”And he gives her a grateful smile. _Sweet Lara Jean_.

* * *

They’re spending the day in Philly to look at potential places to live and get a sense of the different areas.It’s smaller than New York, and Peter likes the neighborhood feel.It is dense and urban, and there is an underlying charm with its history and cobblestone streets.

They are walking in Rittenhouse Square after dinner, and Peter looks at Lara Jean and thinks that maybe one of the reasons that he is drawn to her is because she lost her mother and he, though not in the same way, lost his father. That both of them have a deep, scarring hurt that they carry with them and although it’s a dull ache now, it exists within both of them.

“Do you ever think one of the reasons we found each other is because we needed to find someone that could understand the heartbreak of losing a parent?” he asks softly.

She pulls him close and says, “Peter, I do. I hate that your dad left, but I’m thankful every day that you are so deep and earnest about love.I think the loss makes us both value our happiness and not take it for granted because we know that tomorrow is never promised.”

He’s struck by her understanding.He cups her face and brings it to his. As he looks in her eyes, he feels like he has so much that it’s ridiculous, that it’s overflowing.

“Covey, you know what we have to do before we leave, right?”

“What?Don’t say eat cheesesteaks because I’m stuffed.”

“We have to run the steps at the art museum.”

“What?Why?”

“Come on!Haven’t you seen Rocky?”

“Do you mean that boxing movie?Why would you think I’ve seen that?”

“It’s an institution!”

“Is Brad Pitt in it?” she asks with a smirk.

He leans down to her, and tucks her hair behind her ear and says in a low voice, “You remember what happened the last time you teased me about Brad Pitt, right? You don't even want to know what I'm capable of now that we're engaged.”


	12. Reflecting Light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter feels a sense of deja vu bringing the car to their apartment. How many times has he done this? From their first trip together to Virginia and the Berkshires to countless trips for vacations, holidays and visits, he always gets a little thrill knowing that Lara Jean is waiting for him and expecting that he’ll come get her and take her to where she wants to go.
> 
> He packs up the trunk and puts her wedding dress in the backseat. He opens the door for her, and as she climbs in, he grins.
> 
> She settles in her seat and he asks, “Ready, Covey?”
> 
> “Let’s do this!” Dimples are out.
> 
> He laughs as he pulls away from the curb.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's a wrap! Thanks to everyone for reading and the comments and kudos. 
> 
> After watching the movie, I read the books, and then I watched the second movie, and I wanted to imagine their relationship as adults. I hope I was able to convey what I imagined - a loving and sweet relationship full of passion and humor and respect. xxx
> 
> Please comment. I love reading your thoughts!  
> _____________________
> 
> Reflecting Light, Sam Phillips  
> I’m on my knees in fascination  
> Looking through the night  
> And the moon’s never seen me before  
> But I’m reflecting light

**Reflecting Light**

Peter feels a sense of deja vu bringing the car to their apartment.How many times has he done this?From their first trip together to Virginia and the Berkshires to countless trips for vacations, holidays and visits, he always gets a little thrill knowing that Lara Jean is waiting for him and expecting that he’ll come get her and take her to where she wants to go.

He packs up the trunkand puts her wedding dress in the backseat.He opens the door for her, and as she climbs in, he grins.

She settles in her seat and he asks, “Ready, Covey?”

“Let’s do this!” Dimples are out.

He laughs as he pulls away from the curb.

* * *

They’re spending a few days before the wedding at the inn. Their family will all be arriving tomorrow, and Peter knows that the next few days will be chaotic.They made a deal to try to relax today.It’s the last day that it will be just the two of them before the wedding and since both of them have been working nonstop lately, they haven’t had much time to connect.

They check into their rooms (much to Peter’s chagrin, Margot convinced Lara Jean to have a separate room for tradition’s sake), and they head upstairs.

“Why are you following me?” Lara Jean asks.“Your room is across the hall.”

“I’m going to help you get settled in,” he grins.

She laughs and opens the door.

As she unpacks, Peter plays with his new phone, experimenting with the different camera features.

“Hey, can I take a picture of you?”

“No, I’m gross.”

“You’re never gross.You’re always beautiful.And sexy.You were super hot when you had that stomach bug.”

“Come on, Peter!Don’t be ridiculous.” He takes a picture of her laughing at him.

“See?You look pretty.”

She smiles at him, and he pulls her close and says in a husky voice, “This is our last day to be together before the wedding.I want to spend the rest of the day in bed.”He feels her sigh and relax into his body.When she starts kissing his neck, he lets out a breath and flips her onto the bed.He pulls her dress up and starts kissing her breasts and moves his way down, pulling down her panties.He murmurs,“I love doing this,” as he puts his head between her legs. 

* * *

“I’m going to order room service for dinner, so we can stay in bed.”

“I have to say that you enjoy being “in bed” more than anyone I know!”

“Okay, Covey, please don’t talk about anyone you know.You are such a player!Anyway, it sounded like you pretty much enjoyed being in bed earlier.”He’s cocky now.

She blushes, and then says, “I feel like you enjoy one aspect of being “in bed” _a lot_ , not that I’m complaining.”

“I love that aspect,” he says with a grin.“So much that I’m planning on experiencing that aspect at least once more before the night is over.And don’t pretend you’re not as dirty as I am.”

“Who’s pretending?I’m at least as dirty as you, if not more.I can show you _how dirty_ later.”

He looks at her wide-eyed.

“So Peter, you better order room service and eat up to get ready for my dirtiness.I heard that watermelon is good for erectile virility, so make sure to order some of that if it’s on the menu.”

His jaw drops.“Lara Jean, don’t be mean!You say the craziest shit sometimes.”

“Here, they have watermelon in the fruit salad.Do you want me to order it for you?”

He laughs loudly and tickles her until they are breathless with laughter.

He takes another look at the picture he took of Lara Jean earlier while she orders the food and he notices that all the background images are blurred while her laughing face is soft and illuminated.And he feels so full that he could burst.He thinks of the phrase he heard once at church when he was little - “my cup runneth over,” and he thinks that this moment, and all moments with Lara Jean, embodies this for him.

He gets the notepad from the desk and scribbles it on a piece of paper, folds it over and writes Lara Jean with a heart on the front.He’ll make sure that Kitty sticks it in her bouquet on Saturday.

* * *

He’s standing at the front of the room, and as the music starts, he sees her walking towards him.And there it is.The whoosh of nostalgia that travels through his body and makes him feel like a teenager again…. 

**Author's Note:**

> lift me from the ground  
> san holo, from tatbilb2 soundtrack
> 
> I’m new to fan fiction and this site. I’d love to read your comments and get your thoughts. Thanks for reading.


End file.
